Shawndra Turner

Happy Birthday!

2009-07-23T08:29:00.002-05:00

Today would be Shawndra's 33rd Birthday. I just wanted to let you all know and wish her a Happy day of sorts. We are thinking of her today, as everyday. Praying continually for Doug, Ella, and my mom and dad. Thanks for those of you who continue to pray and support our families!
With love,
Andrea
(Shawndra's sister)

Kansas City Star Newspaper Tribute

2009-04-16T22:05:00.003-05:00

Thanks goes out to Frank Tankard for writing an excellent tribute to Shawndra. His article appeared in the Kansas City Star Newspaper today. Below is a link to the article.

http://www.kansascity.com/115/story/1144886.html

Ella and I are good. The past few weeks have been busy. If and when things slow down a bit, I'd like to post some updated photos of Ella and share a few fun stories.

Good night all.
- Doug

My Favorite Photo & Remember MP3

2009-03-28T21:04:00.028-06:00

I miss Shawndra. And so does Ella. Heck, we all do. I'm not sure her passing has completely sunk in yet. I think I'm still experiencing a small state of mental shock.

Flashback to two Thursdays ago, at the funeral, and I remember for almost one hour, Shawndra's cousin, Pastor Les Beauchamp, so eloquently speaking about Shawndra. His words brought comfort and peace, knowing that Shawndra is still with us, in spirit. Thank you Les. Words cannot express how grateful we are.

A recording of Les's "rememberance" of Shawndra may be downloaded as an MP3 file from http://dougturner.com/Les_Beauchamp_Remember_Shawndra_Turner.mp3 (Right-click on the link and choose "save link as". Here's a free media player to play it -- http://www.winamp.com/)

A heartfelt thank you goes out to all who donated to Solace House. I delivered the memorial contributions last week. I hadn't intended to use their counseling services, but after a tour, and very informative conversation with the director, I felt Ella and I could benefit. We start group therapy in April. Ella is dealing with this life changing event rather well, but I'm very concerned about her. For peace of mind, I think I need a professional to tell me "she's okay". I question whether my explanations are satisfactory to a three year old, and whether I'm saying the right things.

I photographed Shawndra approximately one hour before I asked for her hand in marriage. This is my absolute favorite photo of Shawndra. It was July 26, 2003. Next to a window, facing west, we sat in restaurant, at The Elms Resort, in Excelsior Springs. The sun cast a warm hue upon Shawndra's face. I remember how her eyes glistened. How her smile lit up the room. She was so full of life that night. I remember how she made me feel, knowing I would soon be asking her to spend the rest of our lives together. Ah... the memories. I must have stared at this photo for over half the duration of the funeral service. I'll probably bookmark this post and click on the photo many times. I want to especially thank my Uncle Malcolm for preparing all the photos displayed at the services.

These past two weeks have been difficult. So many family members, friends, care providers, and even strangers, have made it bearable. And for that, I thank you.

There has been some speculation whether this BLOG would continue. Honestly, I don't know. A few months ago, we were "taking things", one-half day at at a time. I think it's improved to one day at a time. Ella is my number one priority in life now. She and I are figuring this out together, one step at a time.

One last thought before wrapping up this post...

Immediately following the graveside service, several of us released butterfly shaped, helium-filled balloons, in honor of Shawndra. While most were carried up by the westerly winds, mine, and a few others, got caught in the trees, directly above Shawndra's grave. At first I was disgusted with my failed attempt to release the balloon so that it would fly around the tree. Then I asked myself, how would Shawndra handle this situation. Would she have been angry? Disappointed? Of course not, she would have laughed. And that's what I did, as I exclaimed to the remaining bystanders, "Shawndra wants that butterfly balloon stuck in the tree above her so she can see it!" If there's one thing I learned from Shawndra, in our brief years as husband and wife, it's that you have to let yourself see the "good" in almost any situation. Thank you, sweetie. You showed me once again.

- Doug

Arrangements

2009-03-16T16:19:00.005-06:00

Shawndra Beauchamp Turner, age 32, of Overland Park, Kansas peacefully passed on Sunday, March 15, 2009 in the comfort of her family.

The visitation is scheduled for 6-8PM on Wed. March 18th at Rolling Hills Presbyterian Church, located at 9300 Nall Ave, Overland Park, KS 66207. Please join us at Rolling Hills Church on Thursday, March 19th at 10:30AM for the celebration of her life. Graveside service will immediately follow at Johnson County Memorial Gardens located at 11200 Metcalf, Overland Park, KS 66210.

In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Solace House, 8012 State Line Road Suite 202, Shawnee Mission, KS 66208, a center for grieving children and their families.

Shawndra was born on July 23, 1976 and grew up in Prairie Village, Kansas. She graduated from Shawnee Mission East High School, and later received her undergraduate degree from Drake University, where she was a member of the Alpha Phi Sorority. She continued her education by obtaining a bachelor's degree in nursing from the University of Kansas. She spent five years caring for kids at Children's Mercy Hospital. In 2004, Shawndra advanced her education by receiving a master's degree as a Nurse Practioner. She practiced in the outpatient ENT clinic at Children's Mercy Hospital.

Shawndra married Doug Turner on August 7, 2004. She was committed to her family, friends, and the medical community. Her love of life, spontaneous wit and infectious laugh will be cherished by all who knew and loved her.

Shawndra is survived by her husband, Doug Turner, her precious daughter; Ella, her parents, Gary and Carolyn Beauchamp; her sister, Andrea Kristoff and husband Greg; her grandmother, Beulah Janssen.

Arrangements: D.W. Newcomer's Sons Johnson County Chapel 913-451-1860.

Love You Shawndra Forever

2009-03-15T21:39:00.004-06:00

March 15, 2009 at 3:10PM will forever be marked in my mind, and hopefully yours as well. This is when our sweet Shawndra passed into the arms of Jesus, thereby freeing her of pain and suffering. Her family prayed over her. Her family cried for her. And to me, time stopped as images of joyful memories rushed by, as she took her last breaths.

Just a short time ago, I shared with Ella that her mommy was in heaven, without a tummy ache, loving us, and watching over us, alongside Jesus. Ella, in her gentle innocence, clapped and exclaimed "yeah, mommy doesn't hurt anymore!". Thank God for Ella.

Shawndra touched so many lives during her brief 33 years. She will be missed immensely, but never forgotten.

More information regarding a celebration of Shawndra's life will be posted soon. Thank you family, friends, doctors, nurses, and strangers, for your unconditional love and support. Our family could not have done it without you.

"Shawndra, I love you forever." - Doug
"Mommy, I love you all the time... even when I can't see you." - Ella

- Doug

Our Beautiful Butterfly has flown ... HOME

2009-03-15T20:00:00.005-06:00

This morning we were all called in because Shawndra's condition had changed. She was breathing differently and the doctor said that this was a sign to look for as we approached the end. Shawndra rested peacefully and breathed quietly for the rest of the day. Both Shawndra and Doug's immediate families came up and we surrounded Shawndra with love and prayer. This afternoon, she took her last quiet breath and peacefully passed away into heaven. It was a blessed moment, one in which we were all surrounding her, crying and yet rejoicing at the same time. She is no longer in pain, no longer has cancer, there are no more tubes, and she is FREE!!

We are ever grateful to all of Shawndra's supporters, prayer warriors, family and friends who have been there for her and for each of us throughout this journey. Thank you to the incredible staff of doctors, nurses, care assistants, techs, and medical staff in every facility that Shawndra was blessed to have care in. Thank you to all the wonderful people out there who have been so compassionate in your blog comments and have loved Shawndra even without knowing her. Remember that this blog is a detailed journey of Ella's mommy to show her how strong, courageous, loving, and selfless her mommy was in her life and how much of an impact Shawndra has made on so many people. She fought a huge fight! We will be reading this as a book to Ella for years to come.

Finally, we will provide information on the service as we finalize plans and complete decisions. Thank you in advance for your patience in this. Please pray for Doug during this time and for his future in taking care of Ella. Pray for Ella. Pray for my parents and for Doug's parents and our respective grandparents. Doug has a sister with a family as do I, please continue to pray for us all as we mourn the loss and celebrate the life of Shawndra Turner.

I shall leave you with a verse: Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away!
Bye my sweet butterfly,
Love you,
Andrea

Taking in the Moments with Shawndra

2009-03-10T19:06:00.000-06:00

Dear Faithful Ones-
It is with a heavy heart that I give you the latest update. The procedure did not produce much of anything out of her G-tube. Therefore, they have given her a medication to try to dry up the digestive enzymes so that she does not have nausea/vomitting. In addition to this, she, Doug, the doctors, and our family have decided to no longer give Shawndra any IV nutrition (TPN) nor any IV fluids. The only thing she'll be receiving are pain meds from now on. This is a hard decision, but an appropriate course at this time.
Shawndra's battle with cancer is coming to a close. Her poor body is just no longer able to withstand infection. She will be getting the sole care of hospice starting this evening. We have a wonderful place for her ready. The entire family asks that you respect the fact that this is OUR - FAMILY time. We know so many of you want to say good-bye, we understand, however, we need to have peace and time with our beloved mom, wife, daughter, and sister. Thank you for respecting this. You may email myself, Doug, or post on the blog, we will respond when we can/feel up to it. I will continue to keep you all up to date with the major happenings but for the moment, please remain in prayer for each of us as we learn to let go and let GOD.
We appreciate what each and every one of you has done for us, be it prayer, meals, childcare, counselor/someone to talk to, helper, and friend. We have had an amazing journey and felt such love and faith surround us the past 2 years. May God continue to bless each of you and your family's as well.

One of our daycare provider's left this verse on the blog a while ago and I just remember it and want to leave it for you all!
Matthew 6:25
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Enjoy today, let God handle the rest!

Taking in each moment with Shawndra,
Andrea

fortitude

2009-03-10T00:34:00.004-06:00

Hello all. Shawndra was hospitalized yesterday due to some complications. We'll know more late in the day tomorrow (Tuesday). In order to control her pain, she's been heavily sedated.

You know Shawndra... she's the toughest fighter you'll ever meet. Her fortitude never ceases to amaze us. With that said, though, she needs your prayers now, more than ever.

Please, no visitors at this time.

Shawndra sends her love.
- Doug

difficult recovery

2009-02-26T19:18:00.004-06:00

Hey everyone- I am back. It has been a difficult few weeks. I have been sleeping a lot (ya right, difficult you say), but I get tired so easily it is frustrating. Especially in the morning, it is difficult for me to get up and going.

I feel like I am confined to my hospital bed, in my room. I can't help even less than before. I finally yesterday walked down the stairs holding onto my dad's arm and doug monitoring so I didn't fall. I barely made it back up the stairs later, that was a feit. I did get out to enjoy the sun and warm a little while, which was great.

I have my nephrostomy tubes (for urine) on either side of my body, the dressings for that on my back with my epidural on my back as well. I have the g tube hanging from my front left side which I have to hook up to a suction machine when I feel full or like i am about to throw up. Then there are the ostomies, the colostomy which only requires a small dressing but I have had some problems with it lately. Then my active ileostomy which requires the full ostomy dressing. After my last hospital admission, I had so much swelling in my legs from my feet to my pelvis. It now only remains in the pelvis area which we are unsure if that is tumor or not.

I feel like I am losing my relationship with my daughter, I can't help her. She does come sit with me in my bed to watch a cartoon, read a book or occasionally I will get on the floor to do a puzzle or play candyland. I still get to see her as she is growing so independent, beautiful and smart. I still get a morning hug and kiss and an evening kiss but my time with her has gotten much more limited and that makes me so sad. I am trying to get things done for her, a journal, video, something for her to remember me by, it is difficult though.

I am starting to get better, to the point where I may be able to have more visitors. I know that I have had a few people who have called but it hasn't been the right time yet. I am just getting strong enough now to have visitors more. It's just hard to know when, I never know when I am going to feel good or not. I fly by the seat of my pants these days! I hope all of you out there haven't given up on me. I need to go read all my comments. My computer hasn't worked the last couple of days when I finally felt well enough to get back on.

So this is a glimpse into my life right now. It has been very mentally difficult to go through, many emotions not only with me. Thank you all for your continuous support you give my family. I believe it is getting closer to the end of this journey and we are going into it blindly, trying not to fear but to give up our control and take it day by day.

Take car everyone. Thank you all who have helped us with Ella, meals, etc. My parents have especially gone out of their way to drop everything and help us almost every spare moment they have. love you all. Shawndra

long nails suck sometimes....

2009-02-08T20:13:00.006-06:00

Like this. I can barely write now. My nails have grown so since I have been off chemo, I wish my boobs grew with then. Sorry it has been so long, lots has been happening, as you can imagine. I am tucked into my hospital bed at home near our bed,just a few bodies apart.ugh. I feel like a prisoner, I have to hook atleast two tubes to the bed everynight. lots of changing dressings on wounds,taking care of my port-a-cath and pic line. I know this is overwhelming for those of you not medical.
The first few days home I was pretty out of it, sleeping a lot. I finally came around about Wednesday I believe. A lot of this is hazzy! I am weak, weaker than I have ever been since a surgery! That shocked me. I am getting stronger but I still can't just get up and go somewhere, I have to have help. And the stairs,yikes two guys have to firefighter training lift me like my sister the fabulous, all knowing Physical Therapist taught us. Thanks dre!. So this is my life at the moment.
I haven't had the chance to read my email,actually I'm kind of scared to see how many there are. Thank you all for your support. Thank you to the neighborhood for the blue ribbons on all entrance trees! You all amaze me more and more every day.

As you all now I am probably reaching the end of this battle. I continue to get stronger and still doing most of what I can to continue to be here with you all. I know a lot of people have contacted my immediately family to find a time to come and see me. I am overwhelmed with outpouring of love. I need to take control of it because it is getting too hard for everyone. So to try to get this organized I would appreciate if you would call ME, not my husband, my parents or my sister. I am going to try to be in control of this one. I will give you all my information and we can make plans.

Phone number 913-226-0171 (If I don't answer I will get back to you, and please don't abuse this number)

Email: shawndrab@hotmail.com (I am overwhelmed with them so phone might be easier)
Thank you for all your patience, trust me I am just regaining the happenings in my world and what has happened these past several weeks/months. I have missed you and look forward to hearing from you!
shawndra

Home at Last

2009-02-03T15:41:00.004-06:00

-- Tuesday Evening --
After a long three week stay at St. Josephs Hospital, we're home at last. As an anonymous commentor mentioned, her care is now in the hands of KC Hospice, although the immediate family is still very much involved in the day-to-day activities. Today, Misty, an RN from KC Hospice, spent approximately three hours with us, doing all the things Shawndra needs. There are so many tubes now, that it can be overwhelming. I'm happy to say that her pain is under control, enough so that she walked from our bedroom to Ella's playroom and back this afternoon.

A lot of people complain about health insurance premiums. Perhaps some of that is warranted, but one thing to remember is, when something devastating happens to a family member, like it has for Shawndra, the coverage is there when you need it. I cannot give enough praise to Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas. Not once has a claim been denied. And, although private nursing is not offered as part of the health insurance policy, the company has approved 40 hours this week, for a private nurse to help us. That's in addition to hospice. We're blessed.

Since this is Mommy's first day home, in a long time, Ella decided she didn't want to go to daycare/school this morning. She was a good girl for her grandmother and me.

-- Wednesday Evening --
Sorry, I didn't have a chance to finish this post last night. Today Shawndra slept until 4PM. It's now almost 7PM. Three hours is a long time for her to be awake, we're all cherishing it. Gary (Shawndra's father) and I moved furniture in the master bedroom to accomodate the hospital bed. This bed is much more condusive for when Shawndra is sleeping and awake, since it moves in a lot of different ways. Currently, Ella is lying between Shawndra's legs, watching Scooby Doo.

A few of the "Lake House Ladies" surprised Shawndra with stories of receiving tattoos of butterflies on their ankles (to honor Shawndra). This past Saturday, I met three ladies at Irezuma's to videotape the event. There was laughter, grins of pain, but all in all, an enjoyable, especially bonding experience. I too was tattooed on the shoulder, but with a custom design, created by Mark (at Irezuma). This was a rather impromtu decision. Like Mark said, every tattoo has a story behind it. I'll explain more of the symbolism my tattoo has on another day. (And, yes, a photo. Perhaps even a video.)

Well, it's time to prepare Shawndra's evening "cocktail" as we call it. Thank you for your prayers. As far as visits are concerned, yes, she welcomes them, but please call well in advance so we can plan for it. We are also considering the idea of having set times on certain days for "open house" visiting. That may work better. What say all of you?

Good night, all. I'm anxious to get some REM sleep tonight. This brain of mine isn't firing on all cylinders right now...
- Doug

17th Day in Hospital

2009-01-27T12:15:00.004-06:00

It's hard to imagine that we arrived 17 days ago. About half of those days have been a blur, and I apologize for not updating everyone with the situation at hand...

Shawndra is resting, but still experiences various levels of pain throughout the day. Today, Dr. Morgan is going to repeat the pain block procedure she had approximately one week ago. The procedure "degenerates" nerve endings present in the abdomen. Over the last 3-4 days, her kidneys have recovered, thanks to a bi-lateral nephrostomy.

There are days when Shawndra is very alert, talking, watching TV, and visiting with family, and a few friends. Then there are days (like yesterday) where the pain is so great, that the opiates needed to alleviate that pain, puts her into a deep sleep.

With the help of a social worker at the hospital, the family has been working to get Shawndra home, and in the care of home hospice. An inpatient facility was discussed, as well, but was quickly rejected after learning that TPN and IV fluids are NOT allowed in those type of facilities. Once at home, her primary care will be in the hands of us -- the immediate family -- with occasional visits from home hospice, and of course, other family, and friends.

Ella is feeling much better. She came down flu-like symptoms the middle of last week. She told me several times that she "doesn't like to throw up." Bless her heart.

I was thinking last night that one day, I'm going to print Shawndra's BLOG, in its entirety, have it laminated, and bound, for Ella to read... Ella, your mommy IS strong, kind hearted, and loving. She loves you all the time. These photos, stories, and thoughts are timeless.

I just asked Shawndra what she would like for me to write. Her reply was "tell everyone that I miss them".

Please pray for her comfort, and for our family. And thanks goes out to all of you who continue to help in so many ways.

- Doug

Update

2009-01-21T09:05:00.003-06:00

Here's my most recent email update:
Hello all-
So, a lot has happened since my last email. Shawndra has remained out of ICU, but not out of the OR (operating room). She did have her stints replaced. Then they put in an epidural to try to help with pain. Then she went back in for a 2nd stint to be placed on the Rt side, her better functioning kidney.
Shawndra gave us a little scare over the end of the week/weekend when her creatinine started to increase. This is not necessarily a good sign in terms of kidney function. She was also still having pain. So, they performed a superior hypogastric pain block which has helped some with the pain, but not eliminated the pain yet. Shawndra's pain doctor, Dr. Morgan is so awesome. He is always thinking of something to try to help with the pain and manage her case so well. He is trying so hard for Shawndra, it's so kind.
Yesterday, Shawndra had perked up a bit, smiled, was awake more, made a few jokes/sly remarks - much more the Shawndra we know. She is still having edema in her legs, so not getting up as much as before. Today, she was up/awake most of the day but was starting to have some increased pain some this evening again. The doctors are trying to wean off of most all the tubes and discuss transitioning her. We are still undecided as to the course of hospital stay and then on from there at this time. Lots of things have been suggested, but no decision yet. She and the family will help decide when we need to.
In closing (don't I feel like the president today - Ha!), I want to repeatedly thank everyone for their concern, committment, support, and prayers. I know it's hard to not be able to do anything but pray. But you know what - that is one of the MOST important things that you all can offer Shawndra, Doug, Ella, my parents, Doug's parents, Doug's family, and my family. I am following this with Luke 11:8-10 that was sent to me in one of our pastor's weekly devotional emails. It seems fitting at this point in time. I appreciate all of you who have been supported my emails and who take the verses and follow through with reading and studying them. That is awesome!!

In Luke 11:8-10 out of the New Living Translation, here is what we read: 8 But I tell you this—though he won't do it for friendship's sake, IF YOU KEEP KNOCKING LONG ENOUGH, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence.9 "And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Lord, may your ears, eyes, heart and door be open today and everyday that we pray for Shawndra. We continue to pray for strength for her, Doug, and our families. We keep knocking asking for Shawndra's pain to be resolved/eliminated. God, we give you the glory for all the successes that we've had and seen in this journey. We ask that You keep showing us YOUR work. We boldly proclaim a MIRACLE in Shawndra's name. Father, we know that this will continue to be an emotional journey and we want the highs to be ever higher and the lows to be less. Thank you for reminding us to lean on you. For some of us are still walking next to you, but we know that you are carrying some of us as well. Thank you for answering our prayers and opening the door as we continue to knock. Bless all the people who read this and who comprise Shawndra's support community/prayer warriors.
In Jesus name. AMEN

In Christ,
Andrea
(Shawndra's sister)

Pain Block Procedure

2009-01-17T13:59:00.002-06:00

Dr. Morgan just finished with the pain block procedure. I do not recall the name of the procedure, but it has to do with injecting alcohol into a region of nerves that control sending pain messages to the brain. This procedure is somewhat permanent, in that if enough of the nerves "receive" the alcohol, they will forever block those pain messages. I know what you're thinking... how will this affect her ability to walk. Luckily, it will have NO affect. She should have all feeling in her legs. We won't know how affective this procedure was until later this evening. The amount of pain medication being given via the epidural pump has been turned down. The hope is the epidural can be removed completely. We're so grateful that Dr. Morgan decided to do this procedure today, instead of Monday.

Shawndra is still quite weak, and prefers no visitors. I'll be staying with Shawndra in the hospital over the weekend. Ella is planning on having fun at Grandma's house. Shawndra and I have a lot to discuss this weekend (or early next week) about the next steps to take for her care. Thank you for your prayers.

- Doug

Video of Shawndra as a Teenager

2009-01-15T22:12:00.026-06:00

A BLOG commentor, from the previous post, asked for the "sharky" video. I've seen that video, once, with Shawndra, at her parents house, during our courting days, but not since. I need to hit up Gary & Carolyn for that video! In the absence of that video, let me present you with Shawndra, Dustin, and Andrea as the Three Amigos. Thanks goes out to Dustin's father, Dave, who provided the video clip from the old VHS days. Shawndra doesn't know I'm posting the video... hopefully she approves. Hehehehehe. Oh, and Dustin & Andrea... I know you two wouldn't approve, which is why I didn't ask... ehehehehehehe. Enjoy!

Also some photos from our ski trip last week are below. (Click on the photos, if you wish to see them in large format.) Goodnight. - Doug


	Ella playing dress-up. What a princess!
	Aspen Airport. During take-off, Ella shouted "we're going so fast!"
	Look at my huge gloves!
	Ella & Mommy With Big Smiles

2009-01-14T16:31:00.003-06:00

Shawndra is out of ICU! The epidural will remain to control pain. I'm back at work today. Getting ready to pick up Ella at daycare. She hasn't seen mommy since Sunday morning, so we're going to eat dinner and head over to the hospital.

This will be a short post, since I need to run. I'm hoping Shawndra can BLOG soon from the hospital. Thanks everyone for your support.

- Doug
Oh, I may post some photos, video, etc. tonight after Ella goes to sleep. I have a feeling I'll be doing that work in bed, while she falls asleep by my side. :)

I'm Bored

2009-01-13T13:38:00.008-06:00

"I'm bored." were Shawndra's first words when I arrived to the ICU this morning. Those words were the most she has spoken in more than 24 hours, and hearing them was such a relief. Now that Shawndra is relatively pain free, Doc Morgan "turned down" the pain drugs. As a result, she's more coherent today. Although she's still fighting an infection and the iliostomy isn't yet functioning, she's in much better spirits. Having suction hooked up to her G tube is slowly relieving pressure in her abdomen.

As planned, her ureteral stents where replaced this morning. Unfortunately, though, the stents are not source of what is causing the pain. Lots of stool in the intestines and tumor pressing against nerves are the reasons.

So back to the "I'm bored" comment, Shawndra made... I asked her if she wanted to play Yahtzee, knowing she would smile a bit. (A little history to that comment: two years ago, after her first cancer surgery, we played Yahtzee in her hospital room. She kicked my butt.) Instead I turned on the radio in the ICU room and tuned to 105.1 Jack FM. "Turn Up The Radio" filled the room (you remember Autograph, the 80s band?). I sang that to her, well, just the chorus, cause I admit, I don't know any other lyric. :) She grinned a smile. I suppose she didn't like my singing (or my breath).

Gary & Carolyn, Shawndra's parents, decided early yesterday morning to cut their vacation short and start the long trip home from Snowmass. I'm glad they did. It's comforting that they're here now with Shawndra, and me.

Ella woke up asking for mommy this morning. She slept in mommy's spot in our bed last night. I was too tired at 8:30 PM last night to lay on the hard floor in her room for an hour, waiting for her to fall asleep, so I just told her that last night was a special night, and she got to sleep in "mommy & daddy's bed". Hmmmm, seems like there are a lot of special nights these days. So when Ella stated "mommy is getting better in the hospital", I had a difficult time coming up with a reply. Is she really getting better? I don't even remember what I said... I think it was something to the affect that "mommy loves you all the time" -- from the "Love You All The Time" book. Ella loves that book, and mommy read it many times to her.

During Dr. rounds this evening, we'll ask Dr. Morgan about moving her out of ICU and into a room. After a room... who knows. A lot of options have been discussed. As Dr. Morgan stated yesterday, you have to live 1/2 day at a time. I like that phrase.

My sister, Krissy, "celebrated" her 35th birthday yesterday, hanging out with me in the ICU. My mother was also here with me. Thank you two. I appreciate your support.

Thanks for your comments and prayers. Currently, we're just taking it 1/2 day at a time...

- Doug

Maybe an Epidural Will Kick the Pain

2009-01-12T10:26:00.004-06:00

Last night Dr. Morgan came back to the hospital to address Shawndra's unbearable pain. He put in an epidural and had her transferred to the ICU for monitoring. I spent the night at home, and took Ella to school/daycare this morning. Around 6:30AM, Ella awoke and called for me. I don't know what was different about this morning, but hearing her say "Daaaaddddyyyy" just made me smile. She really needs me right now.

Arriving to the hospital this morning, I was troubled to find out that Shawndra is still in pain. She's being given Hydromorphone/Dilaudid via her port-a-cath, and Ropivicaine via the epidural. She's built up quite a resistance to opiates. She's pretty much unconscious right now. Wow, what more can I say. I hate to see her suffer.

The ski trip to Snowmass was a lot of fun. Shawndra walked around and shopped the village stores a few evenings. Each year, Gary arranges for a photographer to take photos, quite early. I'll post one soon. I enjoyed snowboarding. Gary, Andrea, Greg, and I spent a lot of time together on the mountain. Thursday was sunny and beautiful.

One afternoon, after skiing, the parents and kids did some sledding. Ella was good for only one run because she and Daddy tumbled over. Shawndra took some video. I haven't seen it yet, but will post it, as well.

We're pretty much in limbo right now. Shawndra's ureteral stints are scheduled to be replaced tomorrow.

One more thing before I hit "save"...

For being only three years old, Ella has flown several times already. The take-off from Aspen (in a prop plane) was real fun for her though. There were only about 15 passengers on the plane. She was able to get all of them to chuckle by screaming "we're going soooooo fast!". Oh... Mommy took a pic of Ella and I on that plane. I'll post that too. Looks like I have some work to do. (Sorry boss... the ports for VPN access from the hospital are blocked, or I'd be doing real work. :)

- Doug

Pain issues...

2009-01-11T10:59:00.002-06:00

Hi Everyone...It's not Shawndra, but Angie. Shawndra asked me to blog to let you all know that she is on her way to the hospital to be admitted for pain issues. She has increased the pain patches on her back, is using the fentanyl suckers and some IV fentanyl at home but it's not cutting it right now. Dr. Morgan is admitting her and hopefully she will also get her stents replaced while she is there so she doesn't have to go back for that! It seems like she usually has some pain from that procedure so it would be good to get it under control there. SO...please pray that Dr. Morgan can find that magic amount of medicine that allows her to be comfortable but not knock her out!!

They just got back from a ski trip with Shawndra's family and it sounds like everyone had a great time. The snowy mountain picture is great!! They did have some drama on the way there with plane delays and a bus ride, but they made it there and made it back (with another delay, but no bus ride ). I got a text from Shawndra one day that Ella got "kicked out" of ski school-something about not wanting to wear the ski boots...;-) I'm still laughing about that because I can totally picture the "scene." Heehee...

I'm sure there was something else, but I'm stressed that my friend is in pain and that I can't do anything to help her (it's hard to be the friend and not the nurse-I'm used to just calling the docs and getting bigger doses and pain pumps, etc.) Please pray that they can get her pain under control and that she can come home soon!!!

Love you Shawndra B!!!

Angie

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T13:32:00.002-06:00

Hello everyone- It is me, Shawndra, once again, yaaaa. Sorry I have not blogged, I haven't even touched my computer since my last post. I have been busy working on recovering, resting, and spending quality time with Ella and my family. Things have been very difficult physically and mentally for me since i have been home. My quality of life has gone down drastically since I have gotten this new tube in my stomach and TPN nutrition at night, etc. It is just overwhelming what all I have to do to live these days. I have also been thinking a lot about chemotherapy and not really wanting to continue with it. I have talked with my family who of course wants me to continue to pursue treatment but also doesn't want to see me suffer. I met with my oncologist this week to find out more about the chemotherapy he wants to put me on and if it is worth it. He was very good about telling me that either way I go is an okay option. The chemo sounds like it could have some bad side effects, horrible rash, as well as hair loss and then the general fatigue, diarrhea, etc. He said it works on about 10-20% of people and if it does work it works only for about 4-6 months. I still have my appointment but in my heart and my soul, I feel like I am done with treatment. It is not worth it to me to feel like that, make me sick and have my daughter watch me suffer, just lay there sleeping all the time with a miserable, possibly deforming rash where she couldn't recognize me. I want to live what time I have left in peace, if possible. I have been through too much! My oncologist also basically said that there is no cure especially at this stage so you all know what that means. I have a hard time writing it, tears swell up just mentioning it, but these are the facts! He promised that he and my pain doc will make sure I am comfortable from here on out and who knows how long that will be. I want to spend as much quality time with my family as I can!!
Any way you look at it, it sucks and doesn't seem fair! Atleast that is what I think. I don't want to give up on my family but I want to be at peace now. I can't live like this, I am basically home bound pretty much, except one small vacation I have coming up with my family. So this has been a very difficult time for me and I have spent many days and nights crying over all of this. This may also be why I haven't gotten on my computer. I am a pleaser and I don't want to let people down, so please respect my decision. You can't judge unless you have walked in my shoes and fought as much as I have fought but unfortunately it is a losing battle.
Today I was thinking that maybe God wants to take me home so people do get angry at him and hopefully through this somehow get closer to God and find comfort from him. Or maybe he needs me for a special duty, so look out everyone, you never know when I might reappear or how, hehe. Just kidding. Anyway, thank you for all your love and support. I will try to continue to keep up with the blog. I haven't read my email or the comments yet, so I have many to go through. You have all become my friends throughout this journey and I appreciate each one of you! I appreciate all the people from my past who have reconnected through the blog, thank you for thinking of me and reaching out. Thank you most of all to my close friends and my family who have been there for me through this very difficult time. I need you now more than ever! I will talk to you soon. I hope you all had a wonderful new year. We didn't even stay up to see midnight, just an old couple spending the night at home, it was perfect! I hope this year is a great year for all of you. I am going to try to make it as good of a year as I possibly can! all my love, shawndra

Shawndra is Feeling Better

2008-12-31T13:53:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the delay in posting. Yes, Shawndra made it home a few days before Christmas, and was able to enjoy all the holiday festivities. The day before Christmas, Santa made a personal visit to Ella's house (thanks JJ for arranging that experience for Ella & Shawndra). She was so excited!

The Turner family has been laying pretty low at home the last week or so. Shawndra had an outpatient procedure today to change out the G-Tube to an easier-to-manage type.

Shawndra has mentioned wanting to post, but hasn't had much time to do so between all the resting and doctors visits.

- Doug

PEG switch out

2008-12-31T13:48:00.000-06:00

Hello all - this is Andrea, Shawndra's sister. I wanted to let you know that Shawndra did come home for Christmas. We actually got to celebrate as our family on Saturday night. It was nice. Shawndra and Doug are getting used to being back home, adjusting to TPN, all the fun tubes, etc at home.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that Shawndra went in today for a procedure to change out the PEG tube for a different diameter tube. Haven't heard anything yet except for that the procedure is done and she is back in a room, waiting for her to wake up more. The doc had not returned back to her room to discuss how things went when I was talking with my mom.
I want to personally thank you all for all of your support for our entire family. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful family, group of friends, and community of supporters. I took this post upon myself, so sorry Shawndra and Doug, hope you'll get back on soon!!
Wishing each of you a Happy New Year! May you have many blessings this new year!
With great appreciation and love,
Andrea
(Shawndra's sister)

Are You Kidding Me?

2008-12-22T20:01:00.009-06:00

You'll never guess where I'm writing this post from... yep, room 416 of 4 north at St. Josephs Hospital. I'm glad I waited almost all day to write this, cause I was pretty pissed off at the world come 1AM. Ah... but those two days at home were bliss, considering the alternative. (The weekend was also highlighted by the fact that I got to see one of my best friends, Kevin, who, with his wife, and 6 month old baby, were in town from San Diego for the holidays.)

Around 1:00 AM, Shawndra vomited quite a bit of bile, even though the PEG was opened up to relieve fluid and pressure. Thinking the PEG was blocked with a tiny piece of food, or something, I tried to flush her stomach with water, but that made it worse. Not one minute later, she vomited 60ml of almost clear water. And since she couldn't keep any medicines in her stomach, the break-through pain relief (oral Oxyfast) was all but useless. (Dang it! Why didn't we get a prescription for those morphine lollipops! My bad.) So fast forward to 2AM, and we're in the ER for fluids and pain relief. After three litres of fluid, things started working again. So... dehydration? Per the ER doc, it seemed as such, although the lab results didn't indicate that.

Without describing further details, I pray Shawndra can come home tomorrow. That's the tentative plan, at least.

Oh, and if by chance, the police officer from the KCMO or Leawood area remembers a maroon 4-door doing 80 MPH on State Line Road... I saw you do a quick u-turn to pursue, but thanks for not pulling me over. Hey, at least I had my hazard flashers on, right? Maybe I should be a part-time ambulance driver. My job would be to get the vehicle there, then somebody else drives it to the hospital.

Doug @ St. Joseph's Hospital, over and out.

Home For the Holidays!

2008-12-19T22:58:00.002-06:00

Hello Everyone- It is good to be back blogging with you all. I've missed you. I have to say, I am making a lot of mistakes in my typing, which I am trying to correct but apologize. My fingers aren't need a little typing rehab,hehe.

Well I got home this afternoon, so it has been a long day. About ready for bed, but wanted to say hello. Thank you all for your love, prayers, words, etc. Please do not worry about what everyone says, i can handle anything anyone chooses to write on the blog (unless it is downright mean). I appreciate everyone's protection, but I am realistic, I know what is going on, for the most part. Even though i am optimistic for a major miracle to keep me alive for many years, I am aware of my situation. People are free to blog how they wish, and I appreciate them all.

Thank you to everyone who came to help me out, thank you to my family and most of all thank you Doug. Many men can't handle such a situation and he has not only stood by me but he has loved me unconditionally even when i struggle to love myself. He lifts me up when I am down and he endures so much to keep our family running when I am not there to help (with a lot of help from my parents on that on). He is incredible. I have received so many miracles already, Doug being one. I think I have already received my share of miracles. I will just continue my service to God and hope he will use me here. Only he knows....

Happy Holidays everyone, I wish you great days ahead with family, friends, love and lots of laughter. Your friend, Shawndra

On Second Thought, No Chemo

2008-12-18T11:34:00.002-06:00

Just a quick FYI that Shawndra decided this morning not to take the chemotherapy treatment today. She hasn't been feeling very well the last few days. We whole-heartedly support her decision.

The infectious disease doctor visited this morning. He suggested that one more round of antibiotics be given, tomorrow (Friday), before heading home.

Ella's daycare/school is throwing a Christmas party late this afternoon. The kids have been learning songs for quite some time now. Ella sang Jingle Bells on the way to school this morning. She's quite the performer, I must say! I plan to shoot video and throw it up on YouTube so we can embed it in the BLOG. (Sorry, I may have just geeked out a bit there...)

- Doug

MUCH better. Homebound Friday?

2008-12-16T11:12:00.005-06:00

I am happy to report that Shawndra is much better this week. My apologies for the delay in posting. Honestly, I purposely waited until I had good news to report.

You know Shawndra is feeling better when she's cracking jokes and wanting to eat a greasy hamburger. :) It appears her bowels are functioning again, as evident by consistent, significant ostomy output and very little PEG output. Yeah! Her nutrition is still limited to liquids though. At home she'll be receiving TPN via her porta-cath. Sorry, baby, I don't think a hamburger is going to go down very well, but, I will blend that meat patty up to pure liquid, if you so desire!

What brought her out of the 20 hour/day sleep regimen was two units of fresh, red blood. Her hemoglobin was down to a very low 7.5 g/dl, where 12.1 to 15.1 g/dl is a woman's normal range. Tis the season for compassion and miracles, and I want to thank everyone, so very much, for taking time to pray for Shawndra, and our family. God is listening...

On Thursday, while still in the hospital, Shawndra will be infused with a different chemotherapy called ERBITUX. Her decision to continue chemotherapy was difficult, because at this point, there's a careful "quality of life" balance. If all goes well, we should be home on Friday.

Ella met Santa Claus Sunday! My sister, Kristine, is a Sunday school teacher at Prince Of Peach Catholic Church. After mass, Krissy's class, which Ella attends, and five other classes, sang songs. Afterwards, Santa strolled in and surprised them. (I'll post a photo the next time I see Krissy.) On seeing Santa, Ella's jaw dropped. Then she looked at me, pointed to Santa, and mouthed "Santa Claus"! It was a joyful moment to see how excited she was.

- Doug

Another Surgery = More Pain

2008-12-11T22:39:00.003-06:00

Shawndra is experiencing a lot of pain from this surgery. The doc mentioned that he had to "move things around" to access her stomach. There were many adhesions to contend with as well. Luckily, Dr. Morgan arrived early this morning to change the pain delivery to a continuous drip. An infectious disease doctor visited this evening to address her fever. It spiked to 103 just about an hour ago... arghhh, just another hurdle, but seriously... how much can one person tolerate? True to her spirit, she is a fighter.

For those of you that continue to feed our family, thank you! It's nice to have food readily available. I think I've dropped five pounds this week, mostly due to erratic eating schedules (not depression).

It's highly unlikely we'll be home this weekend, but perhaps early next week. Gary and I had not planned on bringing Ella up to see mommy tonight, but as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, she recognized the building and said "daddy, I want to see mommy". She told me she would be real quiet, as not to wake mommy. She said she wanted to sing mommy two songs: ABCD and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Mommy awakened with a big smile and sang to Ella the ABCD song. Then Ella sang to mommy the other. I hadn't cried all day (first in a week), but that, my friends, was just too much. What a little angel.

- Doug

Bile Be Gone

2008-12-10T23:39:00.003-06:00

Shawndra is in the recovery room. Gary, her father, and I just spoke with the surgeon that performed the PEG placement procedure, and everything went as planned. Our family is very grateful that the surgery team at St. Joseph's Hospital was able to fit Shawndra into an already very busy schedule today. The surgeon started work this morning around 6:15AM, and it's 11:45PM now.

It's been a long day. I'm in the hospital room, waiting for her to arrive. The surgeon suggested she try to walk tomorrow. Perhaps in a few days, arrangements for Shawndra's care at home will be organized (home-health/hospice to hook up her TPN, instruct us on how to operate the pumps, if something should arise, etc.) and she can come home.

Last night's slumber party was fun, up until about midnight, when I was awaken by Ella's snore. For a few minutes, I just watched her breathe, so peacefully. Daddy ended up in the guest room, and Ella had the big queen bed all to herself. There's something fundamentally wrong with that sleeping situation, I know! But, I did not want to risk waking her up while carrying her into her bedroom. A few hours later, my mind finally let me sleep.

These days, I fall asleep praying. My intentions are the same tonight.

Love you baby. I can't wait for all of us to be home again.
- Doug

No hole for the PEG... yet

2008-12-09T16:17:00.003-06:00

Thank you, everyone, for your BLOG comments, phone calls, and support. It is greatly appreciated. For the past four days, Shawndra has been sleeping a lot, so she hasn't read your BLOG replies. But, she will soon.

This morning a gastroenterologist was unable to place a PEG. He said that he could not see the light from the scope to make the hole. This could be for a variety of reasons, one of which is the intestine has moved in front of the stomach. A general surgeon has been consulted to perform the task instead. We should see him this evening. And since our darling, mischevious Shawndra decided to let the NG tube "fall out" yesterday (hey, who was on duty while I was gone!?... just kidding), she will continue to throw up bile until the PEG can be placed. I'm trying hard to convince her to put the tube down one more time, but she'll have none of that! Once the PEG is in, that will be her "drain" since her bowels are not letting anything through due to tumor pressure. For nutrition, a nightly bag of TPN is infused via her portacath. That's the technical side of the story...

As I write this, Shawndra is in good spirits. She's semi-awake, while Pam is washing her hair with the "shampoo cap". Also she's listening to an Enya CD. That alone will relax just about anybody. The goal is to get Shawndra home so we can finish up the Christmas decorations and enjoy the holidays. The oncologist suggested Shawndra try a different chemotherapy named Urbatux, perhaps in a few weeks. Whether she chooses to continue chemotherapy is yet to be determined.

Tonight Ella and I will have a slumber party at home together. I'm near the point of exhaustion, so the family has arranged for Dustin to stay overnight with Shawndra. I need a good 8-9 hours of sleep, then the next 3-4 days of 4-6 hours won't be a problem.

There is a time and place for serious conversations with Shawndra. In a few weeks or months, or who knows when, those conversations may take place, but for now, while she is in the hospital, fighting to come home, please, be positive, and choose your words carefully. This also goes for BLOG replies. We pray she will be able to come home soon.

I refuse to end this post without some kind of laughter. Sweetie (Shawndra), I know when you ready this, you'll laugh too. And laughter IS the best medicine...

Shawndra's parents, Carolyn and Gary, have been caring for Ella during our hospital stay. A few nights ago, between the hours of 3 & 4 in the morning, she played a manipulation game with Grandma & Papa, not wanting to go back to bed, due to monsters in the closet. Last night, Grandma resorted to putting a plastic doorknob on Ella's room so she couldn't open the door. After much screaming, Ella tired, and fell asleep. Well, this morning, Grandma stepped into the backyard to leave the dogs (yes, Lexi is on a little vacation too) out. She stepped ALL the way out, and shut the sliding glass door. Can you see where this is going? Ella proceeded to lock the sliding glass door and run off the other direction. Grandma pleaded for Ella's return, but that had zero effect! Grandma had to use the garage door keypad to let herself back in. Needless to say, Ella was in big trouble. Although Ella didn't explain her actions to Grandma, I have a feeling she was just returning the "lock out" favor she experienced the night before.... :) I love that little tinker! Daddy & Ella will have NO problems tonight at home because.... she's sleeping in the same bed as Daddy! Yeah! Sorry Grandma & Papa, but I miss her so much. She's already requested to watch Scooby Doo cartoons. Hmmm, that explains the fear of monsters. Those "meddling kids"!

- Doug
------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to clarify what hospice means and why it was suggested. First of all, the surgeon suggested that the family start thinking ahead and maybe get the paperwork and ball rolling now, to ease the stress/hassle/work later. Hospice is seen by so many as the last few weeks/days/hours. But hospice can be the support needed for the family and care in the home for the patients in keeping pain managed and keeping them comfortable for quite some time. No decision has been made yet and no one has started any paperwork that I'm aware of. I pulled off some info from the internet to maybe clarify hospice even more.
*Hospice care is provided by a team-oriented group of specially trained professionals (including as physicians, nurses, social workers, clergy), as well as volunteers and family members.
*Hospice addresses all symptoms of a disease, with a special emphasis on controlling a patient's pain and discomfort.
*Hospice deals with the emotional, social and spiritual impact of the disease on the patient and the patient's family and friends.
I hope that you all understand that we have NOT given up hope nor fight. Shawndra told me that she had not given up and I feel like I need to pass that along. We are all still in encouragement and positive mode. Please continue to pray for strength, for love, and for faith and hope. Each of us has different things that we are struggling with and each of us have our strengths. This has been such an amazing dynamic to watch my family hunker down, hold fast, lean on one another and others, and feel the amazing amount of love,faith, and support that has surrounded us. God has definitely been hard at work.
We are planning on having a nice Christmas with Shawndra at home!! Pray that Shawndra will be able to get out of the hospital by the end of the week.
- Andrea

Back in Hospital - Uncooperating Bowels

2008-12-05T10:24:00.006-06:00

Just a quick post to inform everyone that Shawndra is back in the hospital (St. Joseph's on State Line). Please, no visitors yet.

Her bowels just aren't cooperating these days. Fortunately, with an NG and lots of fluids, output via the ostomy has increased.

Although it's never fun being here, it was nice to see the familiar faces of the 4 North Oncology "crew" yesterday. Many of them remember Shawndra's stay from two years ago, and as recently as a few months ago.

Thank you for your prayers.
- Doug
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello all -
Shawndra requested that I send another email out asking for prayers. The surgeon spoke to her this morning and said that there was not much she can do at this point. They suggested speaking with hospice at this point. It sounds like they will be putting in a pic line for feeding in order for Shawndra to get nutrition. As you can imagine, Shawndra is very emotional at this point, as are all of us. I tell you, I must be an excellent actress. I sit here and cry finding out this news and emailing you, then I turn around and treat my patients with a smile and joke with them. Truly a roller coaster of emotions! I would guess that they want no visitors at this point, but please call first and find out from Shawndra and Doug what they are ok with.
So, the point of this email is to request prayers. Pray for peace for Shawndra, for comfort, for salvation. Lift Shawndra, Doug, mom, dad, Ella, and our entire family in prayer. We all need lots of thoughts and prayers for strength, peace, comfort, and love.
I will be holding on to the following verse:
Psalm 18:2-3 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

Thank you all!
Andrea

Not even Pureed.

2008-11-30T21:51:00.003-06:00

Hi everyone- This will probably be a quick one. I am getting ready for bed but wanted to let you all know, who don't already... I ended up in the hospital for Thanksgiving, part from my stupidity taking my pain patches off and then also to find out if I did have an obstruction of some kind. I think my bowels just went to sleep on me, but had to stay in the hospital a few days because my potassium was very low as well. I got home yesterday afternoon (Saturday) thankfully. I have chemo again tomorrow as long as everything is good to go. I will let you know. I am planning on revamping my pictures at some point but here is a quick picture of Ella. She has gotten so big.. My big 3 year old, going on 21! Talk to you soon. The dog is snoring, better get to bed. shawndra

pureed turkey?

2008-11-26T20:54:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone- Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! I am so thankful for so many things, especially to be here with everyone. I have had a few up's and down's this week. I thought I was all better and clear then I started having a great amount of pain (like labor contractions) in my abdomen, above my ostomy Monday night. It was a sleepless night, ontop of the pain, nothing was coming through my ostomy that night. I started to get very concerned that somehow I had another obstruction. With pain significant pain medication and some advice from my dad, at 1:30am, I finally got some sleep. The next morning, I thought things were okay. I got Ella to school and by 10am I started to feel rotten again, not as severe pain but still discomfort and ended up back in bed. I had to cancel my lunch/pedicure plans with my friend Kelly, who immediately came over and helped me all day from consoling me to,massaging my arm and back and even going to the grocery store for me and getting me a smoothy. She was so helpful, I am so grateful for not only her help but her friendship! Betty Boop, I also want to thank, another friend who I got to talk to today and always feel wonderful after talking with her! One more while i am on the thank you/love you roll... thank you Dustin for coming over today and helping me too ( I will get to that in a minute). Ang- I have to thank you too for coming over this past weekend and helping me out with Ella, it is nice to have a friend who i can hang out with and who helps me play with Ella at the same time..

(I didn't want to leave anyone out or offend anyone by not acknowledging them, and I know there are sooo many more to thank, but that is just for the last couple days, hopefully everyone else knows how much I appreciate them, I try to tell them as much as I can).

Anyway, back to my story, where was I, oh, so I made calls all day Tuesday to my surgeon to find out what to do, then after she suggested trying to use a catherer to put through my ostomy ( I know, sounds fun, huh), I had to call around to find that type of catheter to use. What a hassel all this is, while in bed, feeling like crap, just wanting to sleep. Finally I got the products I needed, thank you for my parents who picked them up for me and that evening my dad and Doug helped me do the cathererization. Oh, this is after I threw up. When Ella got home, I sat up in bed to try to look okay and started to feel nauseous. I had not eaten much but had some of the smoothy and tea and every time I just felt fuller and fuller. Finally it just all came out. So when we did the catheter, nothing seemed blocked and eventually things started to go threw last night.

Today I thought was all better. I ate a bit here and there very cautious about what i am eating and how much so as not to have the same problem. Well, I was fine until this afternoon, Dustin was visiting, I had a little applesauce and part of my smoothy from the day before and all of a sudden, I didn't feel well again and within a few minutes I was racing to the bathroom, brought it all back up. I have to say if you are going to get sick, drink something that tastes yummy right before. It is much better getting sick with the taste of Strawberry smoothy than anything else! So, again, I was on the phone to my surgeon, to atleast let her know what happened, especially before the holiday weekend. SOmething always seems to happen right before a holiday, when no one is around, except the stinkin' ER. For now, I am to be on a soft/full liquid diet and see what happens. If things still aren't staying down, I will have to page her(thankfully she is on call all weekend) to get a CT or Xray on Friday and possibly have to be readmitted. ugh. So hopefully things are resolving and there isn't a major problem.

I was so looking forward to gorging myself tomorrow, especially since I haven't been able to eat a lot lately. Now it looks like i will have to be very cautious again and not eat a lot of the food. Oh well, the food isn't everything, right... that one takes a lot of convincing.

We are kicking off the holiday weekend Ella, and I are in our sleeping bags on the floor, Doug didn't get his sleeping bag, but we are all watching Cinderella together and she is getting to stay up late. Wow, I just looked at the clock, it is 9:15p. really late... Don't you all love the Cinderella movie, so good, but those sisters and the step mom infuriate me!!!

Happy thanksgiving everyone! I hope you enjoy every last bite of yummy food, guilt free because everything is fat free on this holiday, I declare. Most of all let everyone know how thankful you are for them in your life and remember all you are thankful for! good night, sleep tight, don't let the turkey's running for their lives bite, hehe. good one I must say. teheehee. Shawndra

Am I awake?

2008-11-24T15:27:00.002-06:00

well- This first round back to chemo threw me for a loop. I thought it would be a breeze, since I didn't have a lot of the medicine accumulated in my body and I have been threw it all before but it didn't turn out that way. I was very, very tired for about 3-4 days. Thursday I went to get my pump off and I was so nauseous all morning, I didn't want to get out of bed to go. When I did finally get up, I threw up, so I ended up getting fluids and antinausea medication when I went to the cancer center. I thought I was doing a bit better Saturday morning and laid low with Ella. I was supposed to have a fun night out with some girlfriends. I only got to spend about 30 minutes with them before I had to go home because I felt so nauseous. I thought it was the chemo, but Doug didn't feel so good last night so maybe I got a quick bug on top of the chemo... who knows. Anyway, I am doing better today. I am actually awake and somewhat productive. The pile of papers on my desk that was oozing onto the kitchen cabinets has diminished significantly.
This week is a free week, free from chemo that is so I am happy about that. Of Course it is also Thanksgiving week as well, which is always one of my favorites! I was just looking at a Kohl's ad and actually thought it sounded fun to get up at 4am on Friday to do a bit of shopping. If you know me that is incredibly strange, I don't do mornings or shopping well at all. But it kind of sounds like an adventure.
We get to spend Thursday at my parents with family and friends then we will go down south of here to spend Saturday/Sunday with Doug's family for another thanksgiving. It will be fun. I am very much looking forward to it.
I am so Thankful to be here and to have you all in my life one way or another. Thank you! I have so much to be thankful for and i will definitely be basking in it this week. I am now thankful for water and showers, because I need one, and I need to do it now before I pick up Ella. have a great week everyone. I will talk to you all soon. Happy Thanksgiving! Be safe. Shawndra
PS. I don't think I said, but all my scans that I have had done recently come out pretty much clean, which I know isn't the case because of what my surgeon saw, but isn't that great, but in an apprehensive sort of way. hehe.

Back to life.. back to reality

2008-11-18T12:28:00.003-06:00

That song just popped into my head. I am sitting here, needle in my chest (port), getting my antinausea medication that they give me before starting the chemo infusions. I will be here for about 3 hours, then they will put the last medication on a pump that I will take home with me for two days, then I come back in one Thursday to have the pump taken off and I am free for a week and a half. That will be the schedule for the next several months. Doug is with me today, yaa!
I had a great weekend. We had Ella's birthday party on Saturday. It was fun, about 13 kids got to get their face painted if they wanted and hair sprayed different colors. They then dressed up in tutu's, tiara's and wands to dance around to music. I was a bit disappointed, they said there would be stuff for the boys, which there really wasn't, except for the hair spraying they liked but they weren't too excited about tutu's and tiara's. I know Ella had fun though and got a lot of fun girly gifts! My close friend, Sara, was in town with me for the weekend which always makes me happy! She is one of those friends that you just feel so comfortable around, you don't feel like you have to entertain, you can just be yourself and can talk about anything. That is a rare find sometimes, I am lucky to have found a few people like that. Unfortunately she lives in Chicago, good to get to see Chicago once in awhile but I wish she was closer so I could see her more often. We had a lot of fun, thank you Sara!

I haven't gotten the results back from my scan last week. Which, I am going to ask my nurse right now if I can get those results! They should have them by now. I will let you know what the findings are.

The plan for now is to continue this chemo regimen (folfiri) every two weeks for the next two -4 months. If my CEA level is not dropping with the chemo after a couple months, then I need to have a CT scan and possibly need to change chemo med's. If my CEA is dropping, then after 3-4 months on chemo I will do my CT scan then and touch base with Dr. Foster about surgery. This is all based on Dr. Foster's plan. So please pray that my CEA level does drop with chemo, that the chemo is killing those "bad" cells,and that my miracle does happen.

I don't remember if I really discussed with you all my appointment with my surgeon last week who did my first surgery and did my surgery a few weeks ago with my bowel obstruction. She is a great doctor, I like her very much. We discussed what she saw when she went in this last time. She saw a lot of little cancerous spots all over my small intestine, kind of like little beebee's all over. Then there is the mass of cancer in my pelvis that is all over the bottom wall, which was what caused my bowel obstruction, because the cancer had wound it's way around the intestine and she couldn't cut it away so that is why she had to do the ileostomy, so I wouldn't be blocked. That was very difficult to hear and picture. Again, it brings me back to reality of the situation so I can only pray for a miracle. I just keep repeating in my head.."I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the lord." I like that saying. Through him, all things are possible, even miracles! Thank you all for the prayers. I know he hears each of you! I will try to write sooner! I hope you all are doing well too! shawndra

Peeing Prunes

2008-11-10T14:30:00.005-06:00

I am sure you are all curious what in the world I am talking about with this title. Well, as you know, I had my port put back in when I was up in Omaha last week. Well, I had been taken off my blood thinner, Coumadin until I had the procedure and placed on Lovenox shots instead. after Wednesday, I restarted the Coumadin but no one really told me what I should do about the Lovenox/Coumadin after the procedure. SO I just did what I thought I should do, restarted coumadin. Starting Friday night and Saturday, I started urinating blood, which is not uncommon with the ureteral stents, sometimes. But this time, I literally was having to push clots through so I could pee. I was pushing through clots the size of prunes through, what would you say ladies, a pinhole? arg! not fun. This was every time I went to the bathroom. So with some good advice from my dad and thanks to my wonderful primary care doctor who I bothered on her personal phone on a Saturday ( I promise I won't do that regularly!) I restarted taking my lovenox shots along with my Coumadin to help my blood thin out as much as possible to get rid of these yucky prune sized clots. Are you all cringing by now, hehe. I told you, I don't hold back much, do I.
Anyway, I had a good weekend with my family, we layed low most of the weekend. We did celebrate Doug's dad's birthday on Saturday night and played our new WII game, it is so fun. Sunday, we went to church and then I got to go see one of my cousins very tiny baby. It was so fun to get to hold a little tiny baby again. I was in heaven! Makes me really realize how big Ella has gotten. Speaking of Ella, she is going to be 3 tomorrow! Wow, already 3. She seems like 3 going on 18. She is a bit more cooperative most of the time, but is at that stage of wanting to do everything herself, well everything she wants to do... but when it comes to having to throw away her trash or hanging up her coat, forget it, she all of a sudden turns into a little baby who can't do it. Ha, not happening girl! She is into the computer right now, we go to mickey mouse clubhouse website and she can sit there for a long time playing the games. She uses the mouse and the keypad with only a little assistance from us. She is her daddy!
I was supposed to have a PET scan this morning but it got rescheduled to Friday. I restart chemo next Monday I think. I haven't looked at my calendar yet to verify all of this. It is a full week of doctors appointments, Wednesday is the dentist, thursday I see my surgeon here in KC, for a follow up of my bowel obstruction surgery. But then this weekend I will have one of my great friends here with me to celebrate Ella's birthday and just hang out with us. I am very excited for that. So there is a lot going on that I am anxious about: restarting chemo infusions for one, but there are so many fun things to look forward to that is coming up...
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, it is a time when friends and family can get together and just be thankful for each other and for everything in our life. I love Christmas but it has just gotten out of control. We need to all stop obsessing about gifts and everything else. Instead I think we need to simplify the holiday and enjoy the beauty of it all and again just enjoy being together. I know the kids won't understand that, so don't worry I will be getting all the kids in the family a little something!
Well have a great week everyone. Until next time... Shawndra
PS I just hit a wrong button and almost lost this whole thing... Oh my gosh, that was close. I was also going to add for Sue that I am restarting Folfiri, not Folfox. That is all.

here's the news

2008-11-07T13:17:00.003-06:00

Hey everyone- Here is the update; things went well with Dr. Foster. As usual it was great to see him. He did his exam under anesthesia as well as put my port-a-cath back in so i can restart chemo. It sounds like, from my most recent CT scan and the exam, that he doesn't see a lot of new stuff, which is good. Things seem to be stable, which is good. Except my CEA level has gone up. So for now, I need to get back on chemo and see how the CEA numbers go, if they are going down after 3-4 months, then there is a possibility he might be able to go back in and try to clean out more of the cancer. If the numbers don't go down, I will probably need to try another type of chemo. So please pray that the chemo again works and keeps things at bay and gets those CEA's to go down so I have that possibility of another surgery. The disappointing part, is that if we take this path, the hope of removing my ostomy may be non-existent. It may be permanent, which is very disappointing to me, but extending my life is more important and I know that, even though everytime I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. it could be worse!! There are a lot of positives with it. anyway, I have been resting quite a bit the last couple days.
I am looking forward to hopefully a low key weekend. It is a lot chillier here, so I am hibernating. have a great weekend everyone! shawndra

United

2008-11-04T23:27:00.004-06:00

It is late. We stayed up to watch the presidential election and to listen to Obama's speech. It almost seemed like a happy ending of a movie. However you voted, we have to remember, everything happens for a reason and that goes for this situation as well.

I wanted to let you all know that Michelle, who ran the marathon in my honor, finished the marathon and helped raise a great deal of money for colorectal cancer. Thank you Michelle and congratulations for an incredible feat. I hope you aren't too sore and you're recovering well. Please let us know how it went for you! I wish we could have been there to see you cross the finish line. That is just an amazing accomplishment, one I could not achieve.

I am off tomorrow to see Dr. Foster in Omaha. I am excited to see him. Even if he doesn't have the answers I hope for, I know he wants to do whatever he can to help me. I always walk away feeling good and hopeful. There is so much going on with so many other people lately, that I am so thankful for all of you and your prayers. I want to share you all with them and I know that you support them as well.

I know some of you are following Stephanie Vest, and I don't know details, but, it sounds like they are keeping her comfortable and she feels at peace. Please send out prayers to her and her family as well.

I will let you all know what Dr. Foster has to say when I get back.

I am praying for all of you who are going through a difficult time, as I know many are. I read something tonight that said something to the affect that we have two paths, even when there are problems, there are also blessings at the same time. I believe that is so true.

I have to go to bed, so I will end here. I gotta get up early, and I hate to wake up early. :) Good night all -- Republican and Democrat and all others. I am glad we are called the UNITED states. Shawndra

God has a plan

2008-11-02T21:52:00.003-06:00

Hello everyone- I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. It was incredible weather here in KC this weekend so we had a lot of opportunity to get outside and play! Halloween was a lot of fun, Ella the mermaid had a great time with all her cousins. I got to take her door to door around most of our neighborhood, but had to cut out a little early so as not to wear myself completely out!
This coming week I will be heading up to Omaha for a day to see Dr. Foster, please pray that whatever God's plan for me is to be able to have as many opportunities to be treated and cured as possible so that I may stay on this earth, because I believe that my work here is not done. I believe my work here has just begun when I was diagnosed and that there are many more things that I need to take care of here. Most importantly raising my beautiful, precious daughter, to be a loving, kind, faithful woman who has as much to give as I do. But also to help others who possibly question or doubt their faith. I am learning and seeing that there is a God and seeing first hand how he does take care of us, for example...
I have a friend who wants to remain anonymous, but wants her story to be told to help others. Let's call her, hmmmm, Betty as in Betty Boop. (That just popped into my head, I have no idea why) Anyway, Betty was just diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught at a very early stage, so hopefully she should be able to be treated and cured. Betty has a history of breast cancer in her family and was supposed to have her first mammogram last year but was scared because she heard it hurt so she put it off. Her sister-in-law and her were talking a few weeks ago and somehow got on the subject of mammograms. Her sister-in-law encouraged her to go get a mammogram and went beyond the suggestion and made an appointment for both of them to have a DIGITAL mammogram on the same day. Well, it turned out that Betty ended up having to go back for another mammogram and then a biopsy where they discovered that in fact she does have cancerous tissue. It is caught so early that only the DIGITAL mammogram would catch it. The general mammogram wouldn't have picked it up. I don't know much about the digital versus regular mammogram but I believe that this is a new testing option. So obviously everyone who goes for a mammogram should request a digital mammogram and if they don't offer it, go somewhere that does. The message that Betty wanted to share with you all is that she didn't wait for a lump to show up before she got the test. DON'T WAIT FOR THE LUMP! is what she stated. If you have a history or you are at the age when you should be getting one, do it!!! Don't worry about a little (or a lot) of pain that is involved, if it could save your life, if you can catch it early. I will repeat a statistic I believe I have written before: One in two men and one in three women will be diagnosed with cancer.
The other thing she wanted people to understand and see is that this was obviously divine intervention! God has a plan and she knows that she and her family have been prepared for this "bend in the road" which they don't believe they would have been able to handle three to five years ago.
I believe that there is a reason we moved to this neighborhood, there is a reason I got pregnant when I did (shortly before we planned), there is a reason Doug switched jobs and we changed our insurance to his, there is a reason we got our life insurance policies less than a year before my diagnosis. God prepared us for what was ahead of us. If you new me two years ago, I would not be saying this. I doubted God existed and here I am now telling the world,(whoever is listening) that God is non-fiction and he watches over us and hopefully answers our prayers not always how we want them to be answered but in a way that he knows is best.
Good night you all, please keep "Betty Boop" in your prayers too!

PS. I just started my journal for Ella. I have wanted to do this for so long but didn't know how to start. I want her to have something from me if I am not there to tell her about when she was little, or give her the advice I want to give her when she is older, etc. I am definitely not giving up hope, but no one knows when there day will come, so I encourage all of you, especially mothers, to start a journal, or video's, or something to have for your children if you do leave earlier than you hoped.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T13:37:00.002-06:00

Hi- I hope you all have fun halloween plans made! We are having a bunch of family from both sides over tonight to have pizza and go around our neighborhood to trick or treat. Ella is a mermaid, she is sooo cute. Luckily it is warm today too, so that will help a bit! I had my CT scan yesterday, it went smoothly. I actually didn't have to drink as much of the contrast, and they have a new drink that doesn't taste bad, just like an orange drink, so yaaa! Now if they could just cure cancer, I would be happy! I don't have the results back yet. I have been really tired the last couple days. So sleeping a lot. I even went to bed last night when Ella did. Well, I am at a lose for words, so everyone have a safe and fun night. I have a busy week next week. Wednesday is when I will see Dr Foster. I will keep you posted. Shawndra

Happy Birthday Dad!

2008-10-27T12:28:00.002-06:00

As the title says, Happy Birthday dad! We enjoyed spending time with you and the family this weekend at the lake! The kids absolutely love being around you, as we do as well!
Hello everyone- I hope you all had a good weekend with the definitely fall weather! I love fall, seeing all the changing, falling leaves, bundling up with a fire in the fireplace, ahhh! One of those great things on this earth!
As for me, I am recovering quickly, still tired a lot,wearing out quicker but getting around better. Last night I had some really bad cyclical pain, but either the pain medication or some other medication I took helped get rid of it after an hour or so, thank God! I saw my oncologist today, the plan is to get back on the rounds of infused chemo, back on the same regimen, most likely, of Folfiri, which I was on before I started the Xeloda pills which did not seem to be working for me! I got my flu shot today as well, my arm actually kind of hurts a bit from it, but that is okay! small potatoes to everything else. Have you all gotten your flu shot yet? or pneumonia shot if you are sick or older? good thing to do not only for you but to protect your family as well! I go up next week to see Dr. Foster in Omaha. I will have my port-a-cath put back in up there since he was going to put me under anesthesia anyway for an exam under anesthesia. For those of you who may not know the port is how they are able to give me chemo without having to start an IV every time. It is a little pin cushion like thing that is placed under the skin in my chest. They took my last one out when I was in the hospital because i was having fevers and they thought it might be related to an infection from the port, which it wasn't but they weren't sure at that time! I am looking forward to seeing what Dr. Foster has to say. He is a surgeon, so we are going to see if he thinks another surgery to possible remove more cancer in my pelvis area is possible. i know it has risks, especially messing around the bladder, and now that I just had this surgery for the bowel obstruction my guess is he will say we should wait a while and see how the chemo goes and then reevaluate but we will see. I will also be having another CT scan this week sometime so i can take it up to Omaha for them to look at. I hate these scans because I have to drink the contrast which always makes me sick, just because it is sooo much to drink. I will go prepared with Compazine (antinausea) before the fun begins. I am not sure which day that will be yet, I will let you all know when I find out. It looks like I will be restarting chemo November 18th, so I still have a few more weeks to recover before I restart chemo.
I don't know if I have been keeping you posted on Ella. She is wearing big girl underwear most of the time during the day now! She has had a few accidents but does well most of the time! She is going to be a mermaid for halloween and she is very excited. THis is really the first year she really understands it all. She has been very into "Sleeping Booty (beauty)" too. so cute.
Oh, I am still thinking about the whole foundation thing. I would love to start one to bring awareness to colorectal cancer, especially in younger people, and have somewhere that can bring all of us who are diagnosed with this together to support each other. I talked to Doug last night about it, he likes the idea too but is concerned it is a lot to take on for me right now. I am still in the research phase to see exactly how to start something like that and if it is necessary, etc. I will let you know. but I am glad to know that I have a lot of people who would be willing to help out if I did start a foundation. I would probably need a lot of help.
THank you to everyone who has taken their time to help me these last few weeks. I appreciate everything you all have done. I also want to thank you all for the continued support, especially through prayer. It is all in his hands, we have to continue to look to him for the miracle and trust his plan. have a great week everyone. I will talk to you all soon. Shawndra

Home Sweet Home

2008-10-21T21:25:00.004-05:00

Hi everyone- Well it has been a few days back at home and it has been wonderful! Our slumber party was a bit sleepless but we managed and hopefully Ella was happy to be with us on our first night back home together. I have gotten to spend time with some friends and family and I have enjoyed every minute of it. Sunday, Doug made sure I got outside a bit to enjoy the sunshine. Which I am glad because the last couple days and the days to come are dreary and colder! Speaking of Doug, he has been incredible. Have I told you all that I have an incredible husband, as if you didn't know already! He has been so supportive with everything, physical and mental! I don't know if you know my dad is a doctor, but he is also a very fine nurse! He is so great to have with me in the hospital, unbelievable! So thanks dad! You already know my mom is the best so I don't have to repeat that. While I am accepting my Oscar, I also want to thank my sister! I don't thank her enough for all she does for me. She has made so many sacrifices for me and Andrea I want you to know they don't go unnoticed by myself or others. You have a way with words that is wonderful and your faith is something I strive for. As you know, you are always my hero, the wind beneath my wings (I know cheesy but she knows!). Love ya sis! I sometimes forget she needs as many prayers, if not more and I do pray for you and your family always!
I am just so lucky. It does take these experiences to really open your eyes and appreciate and boy, am I appreciating! I did sleep most of the day yesterday so I guess I needed to rest up but today I was back in the game and pretty active. I may regret all my activity tomorrow but it is worth it. I hope you don't all forget that Michelle, on of my blog friends, is still training for a marathon in my honor and has raised and I believe exceeded the amount necessary! What an amazing thing to do for someone you have never met. I am beside myself in awe! But I think she is having trouble with her knee so, Michelle, please take it easy, do not force it! I do not want you to hurt your knee and have problems the rest of your life because of this! please listen to your body and if you can't run, that is okay! The thought is the most important thing, you have done such an amazing thing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart to raise this money for such an important cause!
I want to know what you all think: I have been thinking that I want to become the Susan G Komen of Colorectal Cancer. I am thinking about starting a foundation. My mom and I were talking the other day and she said, why do you have to be gone before we start a foundation. We mostly want to get the word out and make it as common as breast cancer awareness has become. This is not just a rare disease any more, even though my "kind" is rare. So many people I have heard from are affected by this disease at a young age. So what do you all think about a foundation. I know it would be difficult to get started but I hope it would be worth it. Anyway, I just wanted some feedback from you all to see what you thought about this.
I also want to mention before I go that my husband's company, SOURCECORP, has been absolutely incredible to our family! They have been so accomodating and understanding that family comes first! SO, thank you to them for everything they have done to help make our situation easier for us! We are blessed that Doug was hired at such a great company before all this happened!
Also, Naomi, thank you for focusing on me, but I am also concerned about you all! I have to be, you are in my life now and it goes both ways. So, I am concerned about you and hope your tests go well! You will be in our prayers, please pray that her tests go well. I pray for all of you, because you do the same for me!
Enough for now, I better get to bed so I can function tomorrow. good night all. Enjoy the rainy weather tomorrow, hehe. It is kind of nice sometimes! shawndra

PS. I found out that my neighbors had a prayer vigil for me after my surgery! I want to thank my WS family for praying for us and helping us in every way! You all have been incredible to us and we are so thankful to all of you! To my angel giver, you know who you are, a special thanks for my angels and for sharing with me.

Broke Out!

2008-10-18T20:42:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone- I am home, yaaaa! I convinced the doctor today that there was no reason for me to stay over night. Which is true, I wasn't fibbing! So I got home around 5pm today. It is so nice to be home. I am getting ready for bed so I will write more later. I just wanted to let you all know that I broke out of the clink, hehe. Tonight, for one time only we are having a slumber party in our room. Ella gets to sleep in our bed with us since I have been gone so long we thought she might like that. We will see how it goes, yikes. We may regret this decision but I am just so happy to be with her that I think it will be fine. As long as there are no swift kicks to the abdomen! Anyway, good night all! Sleep well. Thank you for ALL your love, support, messages, visits, decorations, goodies, cleaning, staying with me...EVERYTHING you have all done for me to get me through this unexpected ordeal. I still have a bit of recovering to do but nothing I can't handle. I will drift off to sleep thanking God for you all and for this day and everyday and for all I am blessed with. Mostly thanking him for all of you, you truly amaze me! Good night friends! Enjoy your very comfortable, non aerating bed without railings (unless you are a young child). Love, shawndra

Irrigating ...bad

2008-10-17T13:05:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone-I am typing from Doug's laptop, which really throws me off, so it isn't the drugs! I promise, if I make mistakes. I am doing much better today. Yesterday was a doozy! They decided to try to irrigate my ostomy since i am impacted with stool, lovely conversation. I hope you are eating your meatloaf right now. Well they put about 500cc of fleets enema in and boy did my stomach start cramping up BADLY!!!! So they couldn't give me enough drugs so they tried giving me something called Levsin often used to relieve cramping for irritable bowel and other GI issues. Let's just say, I think I found my first medicine I am allergic too! I immediately had uncontrollable tremenbling, shaking,shivering, I was so cold and I felt like I was going to pass out. My face was tingling as well as my hands and feet. I was soooo scared. I truly thought I might pass out and not wake up! I kept saying, just get a doctor in here now. That finally did resolve and I rested. But everytime I got up to go to the bathroom I would get that flushed, tingly feeling in my face and legs. Very aggitating! That finally went away last night. I am hoping to get to go home maybe Sunday, I think tomorrow is pushing it.
It has been very mentally difficult as well because they had to put in another ostomy so now I am trying to decide what to call this, a cow with udders or a rose garden on my belly, if that makes sense to anyone. This is very devastating to me, I was so self conscious before and frustrated to have to have an ostomy, now to have two is even more difficult. But I guess I will do what I always try to do is make the best of it and think, it could be worse. The doctor did say that when she was in doing surgery she found more cancer cells in my abdomen. So, again, I feel like I am fighting a battle I can't win. That is what superman Dr. Foster is for. I go see him in November to see what he says. If he has any hope. In the mean time, no more break of just taking pills for chemo. I have to start back on the infusions again since my oncologist doesn't think they were working very well. They did take out my port when I was in surgery because they thought I was getting septic (infection) from it. So they will have to go back in later to put a new one in, that is going to be around late October it sounds like. It was so nice when all I was doing was taking some pills and getting bloodwork once in awhile. Now back to all this chaos. Oh, and if you all didn't know, we are supposed to be on our Mediterranean trip right now. We were supposed to leave this past Tuesday for our cruise, so that really just sucks!!!! That is all for now. I was truly bummed I wasn't able to be at my Cousin's wedding and to see Ella walk down the Aisle. Amy you were a gorgeous bride!!!!!!!Wow! Thank you for allowing Ella the honor of being in your wedding. I will write more later, my soft food is waiting for me,mmmmm - PBJ! Shawndra

Progress

2008-10-15T09:56:00.010-05:00

Shawndra is healing quickly. Already the NG has been removed, the catheter will be disconnected shortly, and she'll be preparing to do laps around the hospital halls. Dr. O'Brien is very encouraged by the rapid progress she's making.

I know I promised photos and video of Ella's flower girl debut... and I'll try to accomplish that today. I'm going to engage Shawndra in that process. (Better than reading trash People & US magazines!)... j/k baby! I know you like those. :)

Emotionally speaking, today has started out 10 times more positive than yesterday (as perhaps evident by the tone of this post).

Okay, this concludes my stint as substitute BLOG guy. Next up... your lovely host, Shawndra.
- Doug

Shawndra is out of ICU

2008-10-13T16:47:00.003-05:00

Hello all-
This is Andrea, Shawndra's sister, posting an update. Shawndra's surgery happened on Sunday afternoon. The surgeon said that there were some adhesions in Shawndra's small intestine however, this was not the main reason for her problems. The surgeon said that the obstruction in her small intestine was from cancer in the pelvis, it was occluding the last section of the intestine that goes into the colon. Therefore, Shawndra received an ileostomy. This is something that Shawndra did not want/did not expect to at all. Dr O'Brien, the surgeon, said that she did find more cancer throughout the small intestines. Shawndra was put in ICU overnight and was moved to the floor this afternoon, Monday.
She is doing fairly well. I judge this by the rude comments - ha just kidding, by her ability to joke around with us and talk with everyone. My mom and I washed her hair this evening and I gave her a mini-makeover - really just makeup!! She looks good! Just pain in the abdomen where she's had surgery. The nurse said she transfered from the ICU bed to her bed in her room really well and had good strength.
The oncologist has some encouraging news about options for chemo, meds, etc after this surgery. Shawndra will also be returning to Dr. Foster in Omaha once she is recovered from this surgery to discuss further options/possibilities.
So, let me lay out some prayer requests:
1. Pray for Shawndra's bowels to regain function - and quickly!
2. Pray that her small intestine will absorb well and she will get enough nutrition with her ileostomy.
3. Pray for new methods of chemo and alternatives that come forward to be beneficial.
4. Pray for Doug for strength, endurance, love, and faith.
5. Pray for the Turner and Beauchamp families.

I call upon all Prayer Warriors, take heed, this is the time to pray! I praise God for all the wonderful people who keep up with Shawndra, pray for her, support our family, and help in so many ways. Thank you God for Shawndra's prayer/supportive community. We feel covered by your love and compassion.
We will keep you updated as we know more. Thanks for continuing to check the blog!

With great appreciation and love,
Andrea

Surgery Very Probable Sunday Afternoon

2008-10-11T12:49:00.004-05:00

Last night Dr. O'Brien (the colo-rectal surgeon) ordered a repositioning of the NG Tube to better extract bile from Shawndra's stomach, in preparation for surgery tomorrow (Sunday). I should preface that statement with there exists a small chance the situation could resolve itself by tomorrow, although there still seems to be a consensus that surgery is necessary even if that occurs.

Thank you, everyone, for commenting on that last post. I will read them to Shawndra after she awakens. Special thanks to Dustin for staying overnight with Shawndra last night. Ella and I got some much needed sleep. Shawndra's cousin, Amy, will be wed to Judd this afternoon, and Ella has the privilege of being the flower girl! Last night, during the rehearsal, Ella did a great job! She and Ian (Ella's cousin) were so cute together, holding hands. Angie has offered to sit with Shawndra so Ella and I can go to the wedding. I want to videotape Ella, so Mommy can see what a big girl she is. (I'll post the clip on the BLOG as well.)

Shawndra is pretty bummed out today. She's missing the wedding, missing Ella walk down the isle with Ian, missing her dream cruise vacation to Italy, Greece, Turkey (we were scheduled to leave this coming Tuesday) -- I'm just now mentioning this vacation because prior to this week's events, we didn't want to divulge our being out of town for two weeks, for obvious reasons. But you know what? Her health is number one. And there will be future Ella moments and future vacations. Honestly, we're lucky this culminated this week instead of next. I can imagine being in a foreign country, having to make surgical decisions. I told her this is just a little bump in the road. When I arrived to the hospital this morning, I just curled up with her in bed, let her cry tears on my cheek and told everything will work out... and I just know it will. Baby I love.

I'm handling everything pretty well. I must admit, over time there's a certain desensitization that occurs. Personally I let things build up, and then let it all out at once. When that will be, with respect to the latest setback, I don't know.

Thank you for your prayers. Photos, videos, and updates forthcoming.
- Doug

Back in the Hospital

2008-10-09T20:39:00.009-05:00

Hello everyone. Shawndra is back in the hospital with bowel complications. We arrived via the ER Tuesday morning. Initial tests indicate partial bowel obstruction. It's been three days now with very little output. I won't go into details, but attempts at flushing things through are not working. Just a few minutes ago an NG Tube was placed in her stomach. Okay, enough about that.

Ella came to visit Mommy at the hospital tonight. Her little laugh always brightens up a room (and we needed it). She danced for us and sang a song. She handled Shawndra's situation pretty well. She's spending the night with Grandma and Papa tonight so I can stay with Shawndra.

I'll leave with a few photos of the Worlds of Fun trip Ella and I took last weekend with my good high school buddy, Jason, and his 4 1/2 year old daughter, Jillian.

click photos for larger versions

side effects

2008-10-06T12:13:00.002-05:00

Hi- I am nearing the end of my week of Xeloda pills. But I am waiting to hear back from the doctor to see if I need to stop early. I have the redness and sore, tender feet that is a side effect of this chemo. I thought he told me that I might have to stop them if this is the case, because it will get worse before it gets better, esecially if I continue to take the pills after this side effect appears. I also a difficult weekend. I had to cancel plans on Friday night because I was soooo tired, then I cancelled a playdate yesterday to the park because I was so tired. I spent pretty much the whole day yesterday in bed! I really hate feeling like that and staying in bed all day! I was helpless. I try my best to continue life as normal and not focus on "being ill". Most of the time I don't feel ill, therefore I think others forget that I am sick as well. But I do have days like yesterday were I just don't feel good, or am just so tired that I can't do anything. My pain has gotten worse too. Especially at night, when I am lying down. I have increased my pain medication and still haven't had much improvement.
Good news: my mother-in-law is out of the hospital, yaaa! She is still having difficult breathing without additional oxygen but is atleast at home.
I do have blood work tomorrow where they will also draw blood for my CEA and then meet with Mckittrick on Thursday to see how things are going.
Doug took ELla to World's of Fun on Saturday, she had a great time but didn't like the Snoopy character, he was "scary". I didn't go to church yesterday because I was so tired but Ella wanted to go to church school so we took her so she wouldn't miss it. I thought that was great that she wanted to go! I did take her to daycare today so I could rest more. It is so hard to keep up with a two year old when I am worn down from chemo! It is a bit of a challenge at times. I am blessed to have so many people around who help me when I need it. I hope you all are doing well! Thank you to the people who have given me some advice on products to use for my feet/hands. It is nice to have that kind of feedback from people who have experienced it.
talk to you all soon. shawndra

long time-no talk

2008-09-30T22:14:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone- I don't really have a good excuse for not emailing this past week, but there just hasn't been much to report and Doug has been hogging my laptop at night,get your own baby, oh wait.. you have your own... use it,hehe. Anyway, I start my chemo pills again tomorrow, same amount, 3 in the morning, 3 at night for 7 days. I have done pretty well on them. I have noticed changes in my hands and feet, which is a side effect. I started having redness and blisters on my feet at the end of the chemo week last time. That did get better but my hands are feeling very, very dry right now and a little tender. We will see what this week of chemo will bring. I have been able to maintain most of my energy though as well as my appetite for the most part. I have gained a few pounds so no problem in that area, yikes. I am anxiously waiting for the beginning of November when I go back to Omaha to see Dr. Foster. I will do a lot of tests and an exam under anesthesia ( of my buttocks, that is why anesthesia is involved, wouldn't you want that too!) that reminds me of the movie, Father of the Bride II, when Steve Martin is waiting for his daughter and wife to have their babies, he is so tired and takes sleeping pills, ends up in a wheelchair in the hospital, they mistake him for a patient, take him in to the proctoscopy (?) room to have an "exam" of the back end and he comes running out pulling up his pants, saying, "Do I know you". Hilarious... anyway, Dr Foster will then be able to determine if another surgery may be possible to remove more cancer in my pelvis area, which at the time of the last surgery was the only stuff left after he removed the rest. So I am very much looking forward to that. I hate this sitting around and waiting. I just want it gone, gone, gone ,gone forever!!!! If that is possible... through him all things are possible!! I just keep praying that God's plan is for me to be here on earth for many years! I happened to watch Oprah tonight, which was about Breast cancer, one lady on there who was diagnosed at a young age, said, she gives God all the glory for curing her, and that is so true! This experience, as I have said before, has really been a spiritual journey, as I believe was his intent.
Anyway, I do have a couple requests...
1. Please pray for Doug's mother, Victoria Turner, who is in the hospital with Pneumonia, which has not been improving with antibiotics.
2. continue prayers for Stephanie vest, if you have been following her blog, she was improving but has taken a turn for the worse and is very ill!

Oh, this is news worthy. Ella decided this morning she wanted to wear big girl underwear and she didn't have any accidents all day while wearing them, yaaaa!!! I hope she does it again tomorrow, we will see. how exciting.
Good night everyone. I will try not to go so long without emailing. I have missed you all, hehe. shawndra

Stents and prayers

2008-09-23T22:15:00.003-05:00

Hello all- Well everything went smooth today. I was a bit nervous prior to the procedure and talked to the doctor about the stents, if they were absolutely necessary. He did feel like I needed the stents, especially because of the previous concern of kidney failure in my left kidney. SO, I did get both of the ureteral stents replaced. It went well, they gave me a little happy medicine, wheeled me in, I got onto the table, they gave me the gas mask and medicine and I was fast asleep. Next thing I know, I am awake in the waiting room asking to go to the bathroom, which the nurse blew off, and went on to take care of another person (this has happened more than once, i think they think I just FEEL like i have to go, but I really have to go). So I grabbed the next nurse that came by and said, I HAVE to go, so she brought the bed pan right in time, whew, that was a close one. When I told Doug about this, he said, next time just pee the bed, I said, NO, not if I can help it.
Anyway, I felt good afterwards, but I think after the anesthesia wore off, this afternoon, I started to have some more pain. Not as bad though as before, so hopefully this will be brief pain from the placement and manipulation then my body will adjust and I will be pain free for awhile!
A couple of you asked about Chris Ireland and the girls, to be honest I don't know too much and do not feel that it is my place to comment about much. I did give a brief update about Jan (Jen's mom, I do talk to her from time to time) but I don't talk to Chris much. I did say "hi" to him and he said the girls are doing well, they are growing up fast he said, going on 18. So that is all I know and will say about that.
Kelley, we will pray for your daughters friend and the baby and the family. It is times like that that make it difficult to understand where God is and what the plan is, but we do have to trust him even though we are angry and can't possibly understand!
I feel like there was something else I wanted to comment on...let me look back at the posts. I think that is all for now. Ella's daycare is on vacation the rest of the week, so she and I will get to hang out more. My mom is going to help me out a bit tomorrow so that will help. I have to brag a bit about my girl. She is so amazing. I know every person's child is amazing, but even the daycare talked to me about how good she is for 2 with puzzles and other games/projects, organizing, categorizing, etc. We do puzzles at home and I have been amazed at how good she is with them for her age. I wasn't sure if this was normal, but I think she is a bit ahead in that area. She also has such a great memory. I talked about the hospital briefly this morning and she asked if I was going to have a tube in my nose, that might be because we scared her when she came to see me in the hospital in March for my surgery. But she also noticed this morning a school bus and said, mommy that is a short busy, where is the longer bus, I thought that was pretty darn observant. okay, enough bragging. A momma has to brag once in awhile, right. She is getting better about her fits and attitude, but still can bring it out once in awhile. Good night all. Sleep well in this wonderful weather. Thank you God for this day and everyday we are here. I pray that my prayer warriors have a great day tomorrow, stay positive, happy and healthy! I pray for all those going through treatment for cancer or other illnesses, all the people who are suffering a loss of a loved one. Thank you God for all the people who read my blog and have come into my life to support me silently or not. shawndra

stents replaced

2008-09-22T22:01:00.003-05:00

Hello- I hope you all had a great weekend. It is amazing that the weather has stayed so warm, it has been great. We are still able to keep our windows open especially at night with the fans on, ahhhh. I had a good weekend. Saturday was the Jennifer Ireland Golf tournament. Doug played with my father, his father and his brother in law. I went to help out, but didn't feel like I helped much. They had it well organized and running smoothly. I got to see Jan, Jenn's mom, who I just love to see. So that was great! She seems to be doing well, she looks fantastic. She has a lot on her plate though, her husband is now in an assisted facility because of a stroke from a few years ago, her dad is battling cancer as well and unfortunately, she does not get to spend much time with her grandgirls which tears her up! So, keep her in your prayers! She is such an amazing woman!
Ella started church school this Sunday, she loved it! she is getting so big, she already seems like a young lady. This will help us get to church regularly, since we haven't been to good about that lately. I was glad to, we had a great sermon that really spoke to me, which is exactly what I asked of God before we went to church. The basic theme was that God's way isn't always our way and that things happen, some appear bad, some appear good but there may be other outcomes that we don't expect. For example, my cancer seems like a bad thing to have happen, but I have gotten some good out of it, I have definitely gained a relationship with God because of this. So as the Priest repeated with every situation or example he gave, "we'll see", you have cancer, or poor you.... we'll see. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I was doing fairly well until last night. I started getting worse pain in the night and into today. I slept all day until about 5pm. Also my feet are getting sore and it is harder to walk on them, this is one of the side effects of the Xeloda chemo I am on. Tomorrow I go in for my stent replacement procedure under anesthesia. I have to be there around 9am and the procedure is about 11am. I am going to ask the doctor if it is possible not to put the stents back in since they seem to cause a lot of my pain and problems. I don't know what he will say, but I will try. Usually after this procedure, I am a bit uncomfortable for a few days with the new stents, I can usually feel them a bit, it just makes me feel like I need to go to the bathroom a lot, so very annoying. I hope that there won't be much pain afterwards,... we'll see. I will let you know how things go in a few days. Take care all of you, don't forget that God is in charge and has a plan, we just have to trust him and know that everything will happen for a reason, even though many times we don't understand or see what the reason could possibly be! I believe I was given this opportunity to believe in God and find him, since before I wasn't sure what I believed. I also pray that his plan is to keep me here on this earth so that I can help others in their belief in God, spread his word and show that only through him miracles are possible! That may not be the case, he may take me earlier than I would hope from this earth, but I believe that next life in heaven will be amazing, I will be up there eating all the powdered donuts and sweets I want and be as happy as can be. Again, we'll see! Good night everyone. Shawndra

okay

2008-09-16T21:52:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone- Thank you all as always for your continued support. Michelle, I am so grateful and amazed with the money you have raised for Colon Cancer in my honor. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you to all the people who contributed to the cause and if you still want to give, you can still go to the Fred's Team link on the left to contribute to research for colon cancer. Michelle is a friend only through my blog, we have never met, but she is training and running a marathon on November 2, in my honor. How is the training going? How amazing is that! Thank you to the people who went to her fundraiser this weekend! I am so appreciative. It is research funds that will help the incredibly knowledgeable researchers find new and improved ways to treat cancer, in this case, colon cancer.
What did you all think of the Stand up for Cancer show? It was touching. If you didn't see it, I want to point out one statistic that was on there. One in two men and One in Three women will have cancer. That is shocking!!!!I am not alone.
It was an emotional day, I am not exactly sure why. It might be just the fact that I had my great friends from college here a couple weekends ago, then I went to Seattle surrounded by my wonderful family, then today I was by myself for the first time in awhile! I missed my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends and was very sad. It could have been that I am unconsciously worried about my CEA and my pain and if this is a sign that my cancer is growing? As someone said, the not knowing is very worrisome. I was also thinking about our big trip we are taking to the Mediterranean, not taking Ella for 2 1/2 weeks, that makes me very sad to think about. Who knows, but I am better now. Thank you to my husband who stopped work today as I was driving back from my doctors appointment uncontrollably crying and came downstairs to see my and comfort me! I love my husband! I missed him so much this past week.
My oncologist did reassure me though, he said that the Xeloda can take a few months to really show it's effects. So, he wasn't too concerned at this point with my CEA rising. So things are status quo, started my pills today, a day early, I forgot, woops. that's okay though. I have my stents replaced next week, so hopefully that will help the pain. My pain continues to increase in my back which is very frustrating. In November, I go back to Creighton to see Dr. Foster who will do an exam under anesthesia, as well as a CT scan, labs, etc. I look forward to that visit to get more answers on how things are really going, if things are looking good or if the cancer appears to be larger and if there is anything else he can do surgically. So these are the things to come.
Doug and family have encouraged me to see a psychologist I have seen before if I desire to help with the emotions, etc. I really like her but for some reason don't know if I want to go. I know it can't hurt I guess I just feel like I go see so many doctors already, I don't really want to take more time right now.
One last thing, last but definitely not least. The Jennifer Ireland golf tournament is this coming weekend, September the 20th. They are in need of more teams! Please, if you can, get yourself, or someone who loves to golf, get a team of 4 together for a great day of golf, and honoring a wonderful woman who lost her life to colon cancer at a very young age, leaving her two adorable children behind as well as her husband and her mother, family and friends. Please sign up if you can!!!!! You can get to the Jennifer Ireland Foundation on the link on the left or go to www.jenniferirelandfoundation.com .
Okay, that is enough for now. I told you I would write more later. I wish I could say more than thank you, it doesn't seem to do justice to how much you all have helped me but I don't know how else to get the point across. Thank you, my friends, Shawndra

Doctor, Doctor

2008-09-16T11:03:00.003-05:00

Hello- I am back from my trip to Seattle. It was great to see my cousin and Ella got to play with her cousins. Thank you Leanne, Rick and girls for a great trip! Ella was very excited about flying and didn't want to leave her cousin sisters, as she called them. I didn't have time to get on the computer to let you all know that I found out my CEA from last week went up to 10.9. I am not trying to get worried about it, but I do have an appointment today with my oncologist, so we will see what he has to say. I have been having more pain than usual so that is a bit concerning but again, trying not to worry at this point. I actually need to go for my appointment now so I will let you all know how it goes. Thank you for continuing to pray for me. Even though I haven't been blogging as much I am still here, fighting every day. Today I am a bit emotional, I don't know if I am just down because all the activity is over for now or what. agh,, emotions! gotta run. talk to you all soon, i promise. love, shawndra

Seattle bound

2008-09-10T10:19:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- I hope you all had a great weekend! My weekend with the girls from college was incredible. We just laid around and laughed all weekend about old times. We all brought our old photo albums from college, to sum that up... "what were we thinking?" Was sloppy in at the time or was that just us? I wouldn't take it back though! Great memories and great friends. I will try to post a picture in the near future my beautiful girls!
Thank you all who are praying for Stephanie Vest. I do not know her personally but got an email from a friend about her. It sounds like she is progressing a little but is still critical so please keep up the prayers.
I finished my week of chemo pills last night, yaaa! I did well, little fatigue a bit of an upset stomach yesterday but otherwise I did fine. I got bloodwork done yesterday, with my CEA which I will hopefully find out today what it is. I have had more pain in my back lately which has concerned Doug and I a bit. We hope it is just the stents that need to be replaced, which I am having done on September 23rd.
Ella was just sitting on my lap while I typed this blog. Now she is off, so I can type a bit better.
Ella and I, along with my mother and grandmother (95) is going to Seattle today to visit my cousin and her family consisting of 3 girls. So Ella will have lots of fun playing with them. They are all around her age so hopefully that will keep her entertained and we can all just hang out together, without too much stress. Doug is staying here, he doesn't have enough work days to take off, which I am sad he isn't going, but understand. (Now I got kicked out of my chair by Ella, so I am standing, leaning over her typing.) What mothers are able to do! I better go before everything is out of my desk and all over everywhere. Have a good week! I hope you all are doing well! Suite 3, thanks for a great weekend and your frienship! Shawndra

Please pray hard

2008-09-06T22:46:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- I am enjoying a great weekend with my college friends at the lake but happened to check my email and got a prayer request from one of my friends. A girl named Stephanie Vest is in critical condition after a reaction to chemo she just received. I checked out her website, www.stephanievest.com, it sounds like she was just diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma and she is a young mother of three, the youngest only 9 weeks old, I believe. She has a beautiful family! Please pray hard for her. I know prayer works, we need to all pray hard and pray now to help save her. She needs to be around for her children! Please stop and pray and check out her site. Shawndra

Stand Up 2 Cancer

2008-09-05T09:23:00.002-05:00

Hello all- I wanted to remind you all that tonight on all the major tv stations: ABC, CBS and NBC there will be a telethon with a lot of famous names and incredible performances all to raise money for cancer research. I believe it starts at 8p/7central, in KC it is at 7pm. I encourage everyone to watch and if you can give any amount, please donate what you can! This is so important and a great step in trying to cure cancer. Every little bit helps! So please, tune in and contribute to the cause if you can!!!!
So far, chemo pills going well. I have had a bit more pain in the last few days, mostly at night. I am not sure if it is because of my ureteral stents that are to be changed in the near future or if it is something else. I did get a bit concerned a couple nights ago, the pain was pretty bad and I started to worry that this could be the cancer growing, so I pray it is not. I will continue my pills every day this week until next Tuesday.
Today, I am getting ready for a great girls weekend with my college friends. There was a group of 7 of us that were very close in college. We haven't all been together, all 7 of us in 10 years.. except my wedding, but I didn't get to spend much time with them. They all come in tonight and we are going to spend the weekend at my parents lakehouse. I am soooo excited. We will be reminiscing on some of the best times of my life! It will also be good just to hang out and relax. Daddy will have Ella most of the weekend, so they get to spend some quality time together too.
Anyway, I just wanted to remind you of the Stand Up 2 Cancer program tonight.
Have a great weekend everyone! Talk to you soon. shawndra

Chemo week

2008-09-03T09:25:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- Today I restart another week of my chemo pills. Just a reminder: I take 3 pills in the morning and evening for one week, then I am off for a week, then on a week. It is so nice not to have to go to the cancer center for infusions as I used to do. Last chemo week, I had fatigue but otherwise no other side effects. I hope that will be the case this week, it may change as the chemo accumulates in my body. The other thing to know is that on the weeks off, the chemo is still working in my body, so that is reassuring that I am not just giving the cancer time to grow in between chemo weeks.
I had another comment about my original symptoms that lead to my diagnosis. This is probably the most frequently asked question. A good question... it is explained a few times previously in my blog, but I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing. So, I did post my symptoms to the left above our picture. I did this all by myself too. I am getting pretty computer savvy if I say so myself! hehe.
To answer the question fully, I had symptoms for a few months, I did blow them off a bit because I had just had a baby not long before so I kept thinking this was just my body getting back to normal. The symptoms though did come on fairly suddenly, it wasn't just gradual. Probably about 6 months after Ella was born, I started having abdominal cramping where I would literally bend at the waist, arms around my stomach in pain. My bowel movements were not normal, prior I was a fairly regular person, with no problems going. I started to struggle to get BM's out and when something did come out, it was just little bits, sometimes just looked like dust. So, thank's to my mother who finally pushed me that this wasn't normal. I took action. I am a nurse practitioner and I still hesitated, I was taught to look at the most common diagnosis first, cancer at my age was not a common diagnosis. Even the GI doctor I ended up seeing after I saw a primary care doctor first, said that he didn't want to do a colonoscopy right away because cancer would be so rare. So, lesson learned...listen to your body, don't hesitate, and don't take no for an answer if your doctor doesn't think it is a concern. Also, listen to your mother, hehe. Because my mom kept telling me, shawndra, this isn't normal, she probably saved me from it getting much, much worse. Thank you mom!!! If anyone has any more questions,please feel free to ask. I am a pretty open book, as you all can tell. It is a rainy day today,a good day for getting things done inside. I better get going for the day. I need to get some fall clothes for Ella, it seems to be coming quickly. It was kind of chilly this morning. I love fall, ahhh. Have a great hump day. shawndra

2 years

2008-09-02T08:13:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone- I hope you all had a great weekend! We had fun, but of course it went by so fast. We spent most of the weekend at the lake with just my immediate family. It was nice, but of course with three children under the age of 5 it was not really relaxing. It was just nice to be with each other.
To me, this was a celebration weekend. It was two years ago that I had my colonoscopy the friday before the long weekend. Then I had to wait the long weekend to find out the results of the colonoscopy that showed I had a large mass that the nurse described as "an angry mass". It was that Tuesday after the long Labor Day weekend that I found out that the results showed that I had a very rare form of colon cancer, signet cell adenocarcinoma. Of course this turned my world upside down, with a very young daughter, only 9 months at the time and having only been married just over two years. I had just started my new career as a nurse practitioner almost two years before. But after my surgery in January when they found that there was more cancer in my abdomen and gave it a Stage IV, they told me I would have maybe two years to live if I did chemo, only one year without chemo. Well so far I am still hear and feel well enough that I think I will greatly surpass that guess. Even though I wanted to know what they predicted my prognosis to be, the truth is they really don't know. Everyone and every case is different. Even though this is not what I wanted in life for myself and mostly for my family, it has brought about some positives and some negatives. The negative is that I can not carry another child which we had hoped to do around the time I was diagnosed. I have not been working which I really miss. I probably could off and on, but I want to be able to commit myself fully! At that point, it was more important to be with my family as well. I didn't know what the future held and I want to spend as much time with my family as possible.
With this experience I have strengthened my faith and believe that God's plan for me is to help others become stronger in their faith after seeing my miracle of life. As I have told you all before, I struggled with my belief's and my faith prior to this. I have since put my trust in God and know that he will take care of me. I know that this is just our temporary life before out eternal life, which I think will be even better than this life. Some of you may disagree with this depending on your religious belief's and that is okay. We all have our own opinions and beliefs and I have learned that too from this blog.
I have gained a tremendous support system from this experience. I wouldn't have all of you in my life, praying for me, thinking about me, etc. I appreciate each of you. Even if you don't always believe in some things I do or say. I am only doing my best in the situation I am in. I have also had the opportunity to bring awareness to Colorectal cancer, especially in younger people who statistically this isn't supposed to affect. But as many of you can tell, cancer does not discriminate and it can happen to anyone. Most importantly you have to listen to your body and be your own advocate when something isn't right for you. Keri- who just commented on my last post, I am soooo glad that you listened to your body and took action when you knew something wasn't right. I am very happy to hear that it has been taken care of and they caught it before it grew from a polyp. That is one reason I am doing this. To hopefully help people learn from my experience. Oh, you don't know how glad I am to hear that my story helped you and others!!! Thank you!
Ella is here with me (she is supposed to go to daycare today but she and I are taking our time). She just finished the United States of America puzzle all by herself, wow, I am so proud of her. She is very good at puzzles, but usually needs a little help with that puzzle but she just did it on her own. Wow, yaaaa Ella.
Anyway, I will let you all get back to your day. I hope you have a good, short week. I hope you all had a fun, safe weekend. Talk to you all soon. Again, I would love to hear about you all and what you are up to. Shawndra

PS. Don't forget that the Jennifer Ireland Golf Tournament is September 20th, so sign up now!
PPS. The new wellsphere site will be up soon, with the new cancer community, so keep checking out the site. I will let you know when it is up. I will also be putting my "Top blogger Award" up on the site soon.
PPPS. Stand up to Cancer will be airing this Friday, September 5th on all the major stations, I believe. NBC, CBS, ABC. Check it out as well, this is a fundraiser to get funding for cancer research which is soooo badly needed. My diagnosis may be able to be considered a chronic disease instead of a deadly disease with the help of research. This is research for all cancers, not just colorectal cancer. Everyone is knows someone struggling with cancer or have lost someone to cancer unfortunately. Please if you can, donate to the cause.

I have to run, Ella is calling.

so tired

2008-08-26T16:28:00.005-05:00

Double click the image to make it larger and see her closer up.

Hey everyone- Well I am almost done with my first week of the chemo pills, Xeloda. I have been really tired this week but have not had any other side effects so far. I get very frustrated being so tired, all I want to do is stay in my bed but of course I can't do that. I did have some chances this weekend to rest thanks to Doug and my sister. We had a surprise birthday party for Andrea Friday night which was a success. I think she was fairly surprised. I was pretty wiped out Saturday. Doug went to help Andrea and Greg with a few projects at their house. I intended to go, but ended up taking a long nap. Then we had the Croquet for Cancer fundraiser Saturday night. It was a lot of fun. I think it was a success. I don't know yet how much they raised, but they were off to a good start early in the evening. So, once again a fairly busy weekend. Yesterday it was Ella and I. We laid low in the morning but when it came to nap time, of course she didn't want to. She looked sooo tired and she still fought it. I tried everything I could think of. By that time I was so exhausted and tired myself. I called my mom, who thankfully rescued me. I am so blessed to have her. She is there almost every time I need her. It is upsetting to me though that I have to call for help. I sometimes feel inadequate, like I can't do anything on my own anymore. So, I was a little down on myself last night. gotta have those moments once in awhile. gotta go pick up my punks from daycare. I have the most adorable picture i took of her the other day, but of course, I need to either figure out how to put it on myself or have Doug help me. (Insert later: I did it myself, I just got the picture up and figured most of it out myself, with a little help from Doug. yaa for me.) One of these days i will learn! have a great week. Just think, only a few more days and then a long weekend. Yaaaa! shawndra

Happy Birthday Andrea

2008-08-21T22:24:00.013-05:00

Hello everyone- Today is my sister's birthday. She has been such a wonderful sister and friend. I am so lucky to have her and now have her back in Kansas City. We have definitely had our differences in our lives but we have unconditional love for each other! Andrea- I hope you have a great birthday and a great year ahead. Love ya!

I started my pills yesterday. I found out my CEA is 7.3, so up a bit but I am not getting concerned even though it would have been nice to still be at 5 or below. Hopefully the new medication I am taking will bring it back down. I really don't care what the number is as long as the cancer cells are being killed.
There are so many things I need to tell you all about so I will jump in...

1. Croquet for Cancer is a fundraiser my cousin's fiance started and has annually in honor of his mother who passed away from Breast Cancer. If people want to make an online donation they can click the link above, or on the logo to the left. The raised funds will go directly to the Drug Discovery, Development, and Delivery program which develops new medications and reformulates existing medications to destroy cancer on a molecular level, thereby working to alleviate many of the side effects of cancer treatment and targeting the disruption of cancer growth.

2. The Jennifer Ireland Foundation is having it's 2nd Annual Golf Tournament Saturday September 20th at the Adame's Pointe Golf Club. You can get more information at the Jennifer Ireland Foundation website, again we have a link at the left side of our screen. The money goes to patients and families who are fighting cancer. I was honored to be the first recipient of some of the proceeds from their fundraisers. It also honors a courageous young woman with two young girls who fought cancer and keeps her memory alive today.

3. Wellsphere.com -- Have any of you heard of this site? I hadn't until I got an email from the creator of this site, Dr. Geoff Rutledge. He invited me to be a wellsphere blogger on this site. The site focuses on health, fitness, and nutrition. It has many communities you can be a part of in your interest area. It is a very informative site. Apparently, coming soon is a cancer community. My blog will be featured and I believe they will have a link to my blog so it will be available to a much broader audience. My hope is that this will help many more people. I started my blog to inform family and friends of my progress as I fought cancer. It has become a huge support system for me. I hope though that it is beneficial to others fighting cancer as well as others who read it. I have had several people find my site and ask questions because they are going through something similar or know someone who is. I hope i have helped people through my experience. I believe this was God's plan and that I am here to help others through him and hopefully make people believers in him especially through the miracle you will see through me. Anyway, check out the site. I don't know when the cancer community will be up but I will let you know when I find out. Maybe this site can help some of you out there who are needing advice in health, fitness and nutrition.

I think that is all my plugs for now. I did have someone ask the question, what have I told Ella about cancer or have I? I haven't talked to her about cancer yet. I don't think she would understand yet and I don't want to confuse her. She definitely see's that I take a lot of medication and she saw me in the hospital with my surgeries, but she knows nothing different. I guess that is one good thing. For people with older children, it is all new. This is all Ella knows at this point. When Doug and I feel it is the right time we will talk to her about it and explain it too her or if she comes to me with questions, I will answer them honestly.

I was a bit tired today, I don't know if that is already from the chemo or not. Otherwise we are all doing well. Talk to you all soon. Have a great weekend. Shawndra

Change Chemo

2008-08-19T23:18:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone- First, Ella is feeling much better, so thank you all for your concern. Today was chemo day and a meeting with my oncologist. Doug and I met with him before the treatment. I was still having a difficult time, mentally, this morning. When I am not there, I live my life and forget about my diagnosis, for the most part. When I go back to the cancer center for my treatment, it is that reminder that I have a serious illness and that I am going to be knocked down and have to start over picking myself back up. So, I was very emotional this morning. Even Ella saw me crying and said, "What's wrong Mama?", and gave me a hug. It was sooo sweet and just melted my heart. Well, when I met with my doctor, he recommended I start doing a pill form of chemo called Xeloda, which I actually took for six weeks, when I was first diagnosed, before I had my first surgery. This will consist of me taking 3 pills in the morning, 3 pills in the afternoon for 7 days, then off for 7 days, so on one week, off one week and so on. The common side effects with this is mouth sores, diarrhea, fatigue, hand and foot syndrome(?). So we will see how it goes. It can also cause problems with my Coumadin and make my blood thinner, so I have to watch that carefully! I am very excited though to try this. I just need a break from the infusions. Doug and I agreed with my oncologist that this would be a good idea and if my CEA starts going up with this then we can go back. I did have my CEA drawn today, so I will hopefully find out tomorrow what it is. Especially since I didn't go to my chemo last time so I have been off for a month.
I want to thank you all for your mommy support and advice. I think being a mom is the toughest job ever. I just want my daughter to grow up knowing right from wrong, being first safe and healthy, but also happy, kind and caring to others. I do my best to accomplish this but am constantly guessing and second guessing myself. I love her so much I would do anything for her. But I don't want her to just get away with anything and everything, that does not help her for her future. So thank you all for your support for my health and my role as a mommy. I am so grateful to have you all who have unconditionally supported me.
I start taking my pills tomorrow morning. I will let you know how it goes and what me CEA is. gotta go to bed, Doug is standing here waiting for me to go up. I will write soon. Sorry it has been so long.
Oh, also, please check out the Croquet for cancer logo on the left. I will write more about that tomorrow. Good night. shawndra

Ella has a fever

2008-08-14T08:51:00.003-05:00

Ella has been with me all week because starting Monday night, she has had fevers. We were really hoping she would be better by today, because she had a field trip at daycare, which she missed the first trip also because she was sick. I think these are the only two times she has been sick. Poor girl. The tylenol does wonders for her, but as soon as it wears off, she starts getting really warm. So, needless to say, we have been laying low for the past 3 days. I think our dog is even feeling cooped up. She has been a wild thing the last couple of days.
Last night I did get out for an hour or so to go to dream dinners to cook up some meals that we can freeze. If you all haven't done something like this, it is a great way to cook. Definitely my type of cooking, since I really don't cook much but the basics. Everything is already cut up for you and you just dump it all into bags, then freeze it and pop it out to thaw and cook usually in 30 minutes or less. I love it!! So I did that last night!
Ella is telling me to be quiet, hehe, I guess my typing is waking up her babies. She is so funny! She has been very challenging lately as well. Some of you may disagree with this but I did spank her the other day,and you know that is the only thing that works these days. Any time I say, do you want a spanking, she does what she is supposed to do. Otherwise, she just walks the other way. I don't think a spank from time to time is abusive. It is far from it! Anyway, I hope none of you turn me in,hehe. Thank you all for your comments! I gotta go, Ella is trying to sleep. hehe. Enjoy the Olympics! Talk to you soon. shawndra

butterflies and race for a cure

2008-08-10T21:11:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- It's Sunday evening. Doug and I are sitting here on the couch, both with our laptops on our lap, watching the Olympics. Wasn't the opening ceremony amazing! Watching these athletes, I am just in awe, especially the gymnastics. I can't imagine doing all the things they do. Jumping and flipping on a tiny beam, or on uneven bars, gosh that is talent!
We had a good weekend. We went to Powell Gardens for a butterfly exhibit on Saturday, for those in KC, I highly recommend going. It was incredible. Just Powell Gardens itself is impressive and then the butterflies, spectacular. Today I woke up very early for me, to volunteer for the Race for the Cure for Breast Cancer. My girlfriend, Dustin, and I got to hand out roses at the finish line to the Breast Cancer survivors. It was so worth getting up early for it. I had a great time. There were soooo many people there. I actually had a few ladies who read my blog come up to me and say hello. Thank you for doing that, that makes me feel good! I really appreciate it! I like meeting you all who read and/or write on my blog. I have been just so amazed that so many people who don't even know me read my blog and care enough to pray for me. That is one thing I have learned from this experience... so many people are so kind and caring! I thank you all for that, for being so kind, so loving and caring.
Anyway, we had a good weekend, but a very tiring one. Thanks to my parents, who spontaneously took Ella on Saturday evening after the butterfly event, so I could rest that evening so I could get up early. I was so exhausted Saturday, or maybe it was because I ate a funnel cake at Powell Gardens and came down from my sugar high. It was sooo yummy though. I haven't had a funnel cake in years, ymmmm. I don't know though if it was worth the exhausted feeling after the sugar high wears off.
I hope you all had a great weekend as well. The weather here has been so much more bearable! Have a good week. I have this week off of chemo, then it is back to chemo the following week. I am going to try to live it up this week, as well as try to rest, hard to do with Ella around. I will talk about that more later. I better end this lengthy note. Go USA in the Olympics! Shawndra

4th Anniversary!

2008-08-07T16:05:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone- This day four years ago, I was putting on my wedding gown, getting my hair and makeup done and getting ready to walk down the aisle with my mother and father into the arms of Doug Turner to say those simple but powerful words "I do". It was an incredible day. We had an amazing wedding which was just the beginning of an incredible relationship. I believe that God prepared me for this challenge in my life by bringing into my life a man who will love me literally "For better or worse". He then made sure we were secure, Doug joined Sourcecorp who has been a great company to work for and so understanding with our circumstances. They have been incredible to us! God then gave us the opportunity to be pregnant, which was not quite planned that quickly anyway, but came at the perfect time and brought us a beautiful daughter. I used to question my faith, God,and Jesus. I know see how God has worked in my life to prepare me for the challenge I face with cancer.
I have had tremendous guilt that Doug has to be a part of this illness and has to financially support me and my disease. He has been nothing but loving, caring and nurturing throughout our 4 years of marriage. We have obviously had our share of challenges in these few years together. Sometimes such a situation can pull people apart. I think we have only gotten closer. We have definitely had our differences and our arguments, we are not perfect, no one is. But I am so blessed and thank God every day for bringing Doug into my life. He is my best friend,my husband, lover (hehe)and everything I could ask for. Thank you Doug for a wonderful 4 years of marriage. I look forward to growing old with you and sharing many more anniversaries, many more memories and many more challenges. I love you, Doug! Thank you for your unconditional love! I am blessed to have all of you in my life as well. God has brought you all into my life for a reason and I thank him daily for each of you who have touched my life! Shawndra

I cancelled chemo

2008-08-06T16:05:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- I woke up Tuesday morning exhausted. I have been tired and emotional and I just didn't want to go to chemo. I couldn't do it. Doug helped me by telling me it was okay and that the doctor was telling me not long ago that I could take a break, so it was okay. That was reassuring! It doesn't mean I am not fighting, it just means I need a break. I don't know why I am so tired, it could be the heat, it could be my hemoglobin is lower than normal since I have had more blood in my urine from those darn stents than normal. Who knows? But I have spent a lot of the last couple days in bed or relaxing on the couch. Monday I had Ella and I was just so tired it was really hard to take care of her, atleast to do fun, active things with her, which I try to do with her when I can. I am just so tired all I can do is lay on the couch and watch cartoons with her. Which somedays I think she is okay with since at daycare they are so active, that some days I think she just wants to lay low. Oh, it is a hard job, isn't it. Anyway, so I have another couple weeks off until I go back to chemo. Hopefully by that time, I will be ready and rested enough to continue. I am going to go have my lab work drawn tomorrow to make sure I am not anemic or something else causing the tremendous fatigue. Even the Ritalin, which they gave me to help with my energy level has not been helping much lately.
I feel like there is so much more to talk about, but I am blanking on what I want to say. So I will leave it at that for now. I will try to post again soon. If my internet is accessible. When I tried to get on today, I had to do a whole bunch of things to get the internet connected. ugh. technology. take care everyone, have a great week and stay out of the heat! shawndra

on the fritz

2008-08-03T11:41:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- I haven't been able to get connected to the internet the last several days. That is torcher, ya know. But thankfully it is working this morning. I wanted to let you all know that my CEA from last week is a steady 5, which is good. I am glad that is has been this same number the last 3 times we have drawn the CEA level. I think that is good news. I am going to continue my chemo for atleast another month and then we will see if I can either do some maintenance chemo, maybe in pill form instead of having to go in for infusions for awhile atleast while my numbers stay low and consistent. I pray that I can keep my CEA low and the cancer minimal without spreading. I can live like this, if that is the best I can achieve, even if they think there is still some cancer in there, I can handle it as long as it stays there and doesn't spread. I have chemo again this week, so probably a few rest days ahead and hopefully nothing else.
We've had a great weekend. We got to spend time with some friends friday night and went to the first friday's art gallery thing downtown. It was very fun. Yesterday we got to play with Andrea and her kids while Doug and Greg worked on a project, in the unbearable heat, poor guys! Thanks Greg for your help! Then Ella got to go to the pool with her cousin, Ian and we got to hang out with my cousin and fam. It was a lot of fun too! Ella even napped yesterday without a major production. ahhhh it was so nice. I was so proud of her! We are still working on eating her meals instead of wanting just to eat snack food all day. That is the challenge these days.
Doug gave me my mother's day present last week. He and Ella have been working on it off and on for awhile. It was incredible. They made this collage of pictures of Ella and I with wood pieces that said Mom and Ella on these wood pieces. It is hard to explain. Maybe I will take a picture of it and post it. I still need to learn how to do all the pictures. My friend, Angie was going to give me a lesson the other day, but we couldn't get the computer to work so I will learn soon so I can do it all myself. I have been wanting to update the pictures on the side too. I will work on that. I hope you all had a great weekend too, even though it has been soooooo hot! Take care everyone.
Sandy- good luck at MDAnderson, you also might check into Creighton, Dr. Foster, who did my last surgery, he was the only surgeon willing to do the surgery.
Thanks for all your posts. I appreciate hearing from you all. You continue to be in my prayers.
Shawndra

Finally done celebrating

2008-07-28T19:06:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- Wow, this weekend was full of celebrating my birthday. It was absolutely wonderful but very exhausting. We were at the lake on Saturday and it was so fun but completely wore me out. I spent half of sunday in bed, thanks to Doug for letting me sleep. Then we celebrated again with Doug's family Sunday evening. It was all very nice but I am glad to be done with the festivities. Thank you to you all who celebrated with me!
There is really nothing else to report. Not much happening. This is an off week for chemo. Ella and I spent the day today recooperating from the weekend. We layed low this morning but then things got hairy when Ella didn't want to nap, then didn't want to change out of her pajamas, and on and on. I got a bit frustrated at her and kind of snapped. She dumped Lexi's water bowl and I just got angry and told her to go put her nose in the corner and don't talk to me. I had enough! Ugh. Of course, I felt bad after for snapping like that. But she is just trying everything she can to see what she can get away with. oh boy!
We are very excited, we have finally got a trip planned that we have been thinking about for awhile. We are going to take a cruise around the Mediterannean (SP?). yaaaa. I can't wait. It will be really hard to leave Ella for a couple weeks, but it will be a once in a lifetime experience. So that is something we are very much looking forward to. I better get going, we are getting ready to put Ella to bed, early tonight. She is fighting daddy right now because she doesn't want to clean up. Oh 2 year olds. better get going. I just have blood work tomorrow, that is all this week. talk to you soon. shawndra

Birthday Girl

2008-07-23T10:23:00.002-05:00

Yaaa, Today I am 32 years young. happy birthday michelle as well and who ever else is out there celebrating their birthday today. I have not been on my computer for the last several days because we have been staying at my parents house since Saturday night when we came home in the evening our air conditioner went out, uggg. But it was nice to be at my parents house. I havent' spent the night there for awhile, so it was nice to be "home". Thanks mom and dad for taking us in for a few days. I couldn't get on the internet on my computer.
I did have chemo yesterday, so I have my pump on today. Yesterday I was a bit out of it, I don't know what it is but chemo or the antinausea they give me, something makes me sleepy and then I feel high or something. It is a strange feeling. Other than being tired and loopy yesterday, today I am feeling pretty good. I don't have much going on today, we may do something for dinner but celebrate more this weekend.
I do have another comment I have been meaning to write about. I have come across this a lot. People complaining about how old they are getting, how bad it is to turn 40, etc. I am happy just to make it to 32 and now my next goal is to make it to 33, 34, 35. We should be proud of getting older, not upset about it. That is just my opinion. I will be exstatic and celebrate big at 40!
One other thing I wanted to mention is life insurance. I encourage everyone to get life insurance pronto if you haven't already. We got our life insurance only months before I was diagnosed with cancer. If I hadn't done it before, no one would insure me now. I was very lucky. So please consider that, it will help take care of your family if something were to happen.
okay that is all for now. thank you all for your birthday wishes. I hope everyone has a great day too! love, shawndra

some answers

2008-07-17T11:59:00.002-05:00

Hey all- Well I wanted to wait to write until I had gotten all the results and all the doctors appointments out of the way so I could give a full report. We were glad we made the trip to Omaha. It is always great to see Dr. Foster, even if I don't get all the answers I want, he still gives us so much hope. He was a bit concerned that I have been having more pain, so we ended up getting a CT done on Monday up in Omaha. Ugh, I had to drink that stuff again, would someone please come up with a better way to get the GI CT scan so I don't have to drink soooo much barium. It isn't even the taste that makes me sick, it is the quantity! Anyway, the results from briefly looking at the CT was that things were atleast stable. It seems like the bulk of the disease that is left is in the pelvis, no where else. That is good! The problem, from his standpoint, is that to get into the area, you have to work around the bladder and there is a great risk of having to end up removing the bladder and ending up with a urostomy, which is the last thing I want to have!!!!!! So, a bit hesitant about that. I had a CEA done there which was 7.9, but then I had it done here in KC the next day (thought i would go ahead and have it done to compare the two labs).. The result here is 5.1 so I think that is good as well. Things aren't progressing, they are atleast staying steady. I am still curious though about what exactly is in the pelvis, it could be more inflammation so I would like him to atleast go in and look at some point if possible, just to try and see what it looks like in there. That may be a possibility.
Overall, now we are going to stay the course until the two doc's can talk and put there heads together about the best plan. We are going to watch my CEA level a bit longer to see if it is staying about the same or going to go up. If it goes up I may have to start new chemotherapy. If it stays the same, I may be able to go on a break from chemo or do a pill form for maintenance for awhile, to give me a break from infusions. That would be nice too.
I saw the pain doc yesterday. He seems to agree that the source of the pain is from the ureteral stent. So he is going to talk to my urologist about the necessity of the right stent at this time. If I could get rid of that stent, now that we know my left kidney is a bit better than we thought, we might be able to remove the stent and possible decrease my pain significantly. IF not, I am just going to keep taking what I need to control the pain and hopefully can reduce the amount when the pain subsides a bit. I also probably have a UTI so that may cause the worsening of pain and now that i am on antibiotics, the pain may decrease a bit.

Whew... How was that for a summary. Was that too much info? I feel like I am having to write a summary for my boss or school or something, hehe. Let's talk about something else. Today I am going to go work out with one of my neighbor friends who is a trainer. We are going to "play around a bit" to see what I can do. THis will feel good. I am really wanting to start getting back into fitness and toning myself up and gaining more energy, strength, etc. This weekend is going to be a busy one, we have lots of people we are trying to get together with because we haven't seen so many of our friends in so long. We are also working on setting up a trip, we are looking into a Mediterranean Cruise. That is something I have always wanted to do, an area I haven't been yet. Ella is on a field trip with daycare today. She will be back with me tomorrow. We usually have a down day to rest up for the weekend. That is all for now. Talk to you all soon. Shawndra

off to omaha

2008-07-13T22:13:00.003-05:00

Hey- Doug and I are sitting here in bed, both of us using our laptops and watching TV, hehe. so funny. Ella and Lexi (the dog) went to Grandma and Papas for the night since Doug and I head out early for Omaha. My appointment is at 11am and it takes atleast 3 hours to get there. I don't know what kind of information I will get, it is mostly just a follow up but I still want to ask him about the possibility of another surgery. (quick side note- aren't the Burger King commercials creepy these days, I just saw a new one where that creapy king mascot had a child, ugh) anyway, I will also see my oncologist here on Tuesday so between the two hopefully we will come up with a future plan. I will most likely have to have another scan soon to see the progress I have made since surgery to fully determine what the plan will be, we will see.
This weekend was interesting, out of nowhere I got sick on Saturday, I was fine, went to the store early (we had no milk or eggs), then I was helping Doug put up a ceiling fan in our bathroom when my stomach started cramping up, I started sweating, clammy ended up vomiting then diarrhea, the rest of the afternoon. IT was horrible. Thank you to the Palmers for helping us take care of Ella at the last minute! We greatly appreciate it! As I have told you so many times, we have the best neighbors. ya, I know, I know already. Thankful I recovered after most of the rest of the day asleep in bed. Today we got to go to the pool and i actually got in for a change. I am not a huge fan of swimming/water, but since I got the ostomy I have been really uncomfortable with swimming. It was really nice today to get in the water and feel comfortable. I even got to take Ella around a little bit and help her swim.
I am really hope Ella is just going through the terrible two phase. She literally cries about the littlest things. Not just cries, but has a fit. I am getting so tired of it, it has finally gotten the best of me today. I was so tired of it, I had to just walk away and let Doug deal with her. She even cried in the middle of playing with one of her music books, she was fine one second, then crying the next. Any advice out there? Is my child normal, hehe? I know all the articles and research about 2 year olds, but I just never thought it would be that bad. She is such a sweetie at other times but definitely more bossy and determined these days. Ella- if you read this some day, love you baby, smooch! hehe.
Please don't forget about Michelle who is running the New York marathon on November 2nd in my honor for Colorectal Cancer Research. She is getting closer to her goal of 3,000 dollars but please if you haven't donated, please consider it, if you are able to at this time. Just hit the Fred's team link to the left on this screen. You know, 5 years ago, the chemotherapy I am taking wasn't even available. Through research the have been able to find better treatment to keep people like me alive longer. My hope is that they will find even better treatments so that I won't just live a few more years, but so that I may be able to live the long life I hoped for...to see Ella grow up and have her mommy there for her! SO thank you if you are able to donate. If you are not, I totally understand and am blessed that you even read my blog and think and pray for me! I just saw the same Burger King commercial, ahhhh! I better get to bed, gotta get up early!
Monday am: I forgot to answer someone's question from my comments. She asked what pain I was having, since she sounds like she is fighting colorectal cancer as well. My pain is typically in my lower back and sometimes all the way around my abdomen as well. The pain had subsided after my surgery and returned after the new stent was placed on my right side, the pain returning more on the right side. So I attribute the pain mostly to the ureteral stents. But recently the pain has gotten worse so I am a bit concerned that it may not only be the stents. I have read a lot of other cancer patients have the same concerns, we aren't hypochondriacs, but we become much more attune to our body and when something doesn't seem right, in the back of our minds we are always a bit worried, trying not to be though! I hope that answers the question and I hope it helps! I am off.... shawndra

New Laptop

2008-07-11T10:08:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- I am writing this time from my new laptop doug gave me for my birthday (a little early)! It is so exciting, but it will take me a little time to get my fingers adjusted to the new keys.
To start, I had a great 4th of July! It is always great to see and hang out with so many friends and family! We even stayed up for the fireworks out on the lake. When we got out there Ella kept saying, "I not scared! I not scared, mommy". So funny! I did have a little period of time that day that I had some extreme pain and had to excuse myself from the party to go lay down. That was a bit frustrating and disappointing but thankfully it subsided and I could finish hanging out with everyone and enjoy the rest of the day.
I had my 5th round of chemo today (5th round this time). It went well, still no agitation as I had before, just more fatigue than before. It also took me a few days of rest to recover from the 4th so I think the chemo is accumulating in my system and making me more tired. So the last few days I have been in resting most of the day.
Next week is going to be busy, Monday Doug and I go to Omaha to meet with Dr. Foster. A follow up from surgery as well as to discuss future plans. I am interested in seeing if he can do another surgery in my pelvis to get rid of the mass there that is unknown if it is cancerous or not. As well as reverse my ostomy! We will see what he has to say. Then I see my oncologist here on Tuesday and I see the pain doctor on Wednesday to talk about another option for my pain since I am having to take more and more pain medication to get rid of my pain. I may have built up a tolerance to this pain medication and may need to try something else. So next week will be a busy one! Hopefully I will get some answers and some sort of plan. The last plan was do chemo for 5-6 times and see how I am. There may be a possibility of taking a break or just keep on keeping on. I still hope someday I will here I am cancer free and am officially in remission. It sounds like you are never officially rid of cancer once you have it. Sometimes it comes back and you always wonder with every symptom could it have returned. I have to focus on ridding my body of the cancer first. I believe Ella is jumping on the stairs now. I gotta go put the smack down! Talk to you all later. Have a wonderful weekend. I am going to go have lunch with a few friends, get me out of the house a little and focus on something else for awhile. I hope you all are doing well! Shawndra

Happy Fourth of July!

2008-07-04T08:38:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday America!!! Everyone have a safe, fun 4th of July! Talk to you soon. Shawndra

Celebrations

2008-06-27T09:39:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone- picture it... Ella is dancing (jumping up and down) while she plays her Elmo guitar's music. Classic! She is so fun! Chemo, round 4 was this week. It went well, no problems. I rested up most of Wednesday and part of Thursday. My CEA level is 5, so down a bit from 6.1 previously. That is great, especially since I have been off chemo for a month since I skipped the week when I was in the hospital. One of my favorite holidays is coming up, the 4th of July is a favorite of mine. We always have a big party at my parents lake house, so fun to be around family and friends! So, I am very much looking forward to it. My 32nd birthday is a few weeks after the 4th, so another celebration. Each year, I never know if I will make it to the next birthday, but really none of us know this, do we. As each day goes by, I have more and more faith that I will live a lot longer than they predicted. Even if I just make it to my 33rd birthday (next year) I will have surpassed the doctors predictions. In your face docs, hehe. Really, there isn't too much to talk about. We are all doing pretty well here. I hope everyone has a great holiday, as always be safe but have fun! I am off to go dance with my daughter as she jams on the guitar! love always, shawndra

quick note

2008-06-18T21:50:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone- Finally Doug helped me get some recent photos up. We have so many, I am hoping he will put a bunch of them on the photo gallery on the left of the blog site but that might take much longer. I am doing well, managing the pain pretty well! I had some testing done yesterday to make sure the pain wasn't from nonfunctioning ureteral stents or something. Everything came out fine so the pain must just be the normal just having that foreign body in me. This is similar to the pain I had on the left side for so long and finally got rid of not long ago. We never knew what exactly was causing the pain but one of our thoughts was it was due to the left stent.
Anyway, enough about me, poor Ella is under the weather these past couple days. She has been puking since Tuesday morning so no daycare for her these past few days. Today we literally laid on the couch all day. She did not get up from the couch once, that is how badly she feels. Usually when she is sick (which she hasn't been much in her life), she still is somewhat active. This week she has not been active at all, especially today. She threw up off and on today and didn't get much down her. I am worried about dehydration but I will be sleeping on the couch with her all night and trying to keep her hydrated! I have done so much laundry today because of the vomiting, ugh. I hate to see her sick but at the same time, it is nice to be able to be home with her and take care of her! The nurse in me comes out and the good feeling I get when I can take care of someone else. So hopefully tomorrow she will be on the mend and up and at 'em by friday but we are going to take it easy a few more days and see how things go. Unfortunately I haven't been enjoying the beautiful weather, which I am a bit bummed about, it has been absolutely gorgeous outside! Everyone is hanging out at the pool and we are quarantined to our house. Oh well, I am sure when she is feeling better she will want to be outside and at the pool 24/7. have a great rest of the work week and coming weekend. I am headed downstairs to make my nest on the coach with Ella. It may be another restless night at the Turner household. I wouldn't change it for the world! shawndra

2008-06-16T21:50:00.004-05:00

function junction

2008-06-13T17:44:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- Well, I was discharged yesterday afternoon from the hospital. I had my stents placed on Thursday. Yes stent...s, plural. They did do another scan prior to the procedure which showed that there was some function in my kidney. They explained how one test could show no function then another test show some function just delayed, but it is all to confusing to explain or even understand. But that is good news that there is function in my left kidney, just delayed. They think that the stent in my left could have caused some of the delay so they did replace that stent with a new one on that side and then will wait a couple weeks and I will have another scan to look at it again. They also put a new one in on the right side because of the fluid around my kidney (hydronephrosis). They tell you that putting a stent in is not really too painful but when I had my very first stent placed, I ended up back in the hospital a couple days later because of the severity of the pain. I believe it is because there is a foreign body in there and my body is going, what in the h... is this? So I had quite a bit of pain this time probably because I hadn't had a stent before on the right. Are you all confused yet, hehe? Anyway, I couldn't get my pain under control after the surgery and throughout the night on Wednesday/Thursday AM so I stayed so I wouldn't have to end up coming back to the ER and getting readmitted for pain. I am still in some discomfort but it is much better and manageable!
Ella got to come visit me which was nice, she was relieved that there was no tube in my nose! I couldn't believe she remembered that from my previous surgery. I guess it is going to be a low key weekend. Maybe some celebrating father's day,weeee! Happy Father's day to all you great dad's out there! Have a great weekend everyone! I am just glad I don't have to pee in a hat anymore and no one is taking my vitals in the middle of the night,hehe. Shawndra

Kidney results

2008-06-09T21:05:00.002-05:00

Well I had my appointment today with the urologist (urinary doctor) to go over the results from my kidney scan done last week. The results showed that I have NO kidney function in my left kidney and have fluid around the right kidney now. I had a stent in my left kidney since soon after I was diagnosed in 2006 to help with the fluid that was around the left kidney at that time. Since then I have had that stent replaced every few months as they recommend but never had concerns about the function of the kidney. So it was quite a shock to us and I think to the doctor that I had no function in that kidney. So they are very concerned about keeping the right kidney well so that one does not have problems and start to fail as well! Then I will be in serious trouble! I can be fine with one kidney as long as it is okay! I will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow so they can get things done faster, i.e. meeting with the nephrologist (kidney doctor) and getting a stent in the right kidney (under anesthesia) and whatever else they decide to do in the mean time. They were going to do all of this outpatient but my dad talked to the urologist and they decided it was a good idea to get this done quickly to make sure there aren't problems that arise with the right side. This may be the reason my blood pressure has gone up recently as well. So, that is that! I will let you all know as I learn more. I don't know how long I will be in the hospital, probably a day or two, depending on how soon they can do everything. Otherwise I will be hanging out in the hospital, ugh. This of course has made me a bit anxious and concerned, I did have a small break down after I found this out. But I am trying to stay positive and not worry at this point. Of course, I don't want just one more thing to deal with but I am glad it is me and not someone else. If I have one thing, I may as well have another instead of someone else having something. Does that make any sense? This also means chemo is postponed this week. Unless i can have them do it in the hospital? I might try to see if they can do that tomorrow!
On a happy note, we had a great weekend with Doug's Nanie and his Aunt and Uncle. They have this little park in Frontenac, KS. that has a few rides for little kids. A small roller coaster, a ferris wheel, airplane ride, tea cups, etc. It was so fun to take Ella. She was a bit scared of the roller coaster! After we put her on it, Doug said, I don't remember it going that fast, ha. woops! Oh and they had a little train too. I want to start one of these in KC, I think it is great for little kids! So it was very fun. I can't tell you how much Ella has changed. She is such a sweet, loving little girl these days. She says her pleases and thank you's and just amazes me every day with how big she is getting and how much of a wonderful girl she is becoming! Of course, she still has her moments but overall she is an angel to us! We are so lucky we had her at the time we did or we might have not gotten to even have her! I still think at times that I wish we could have another one but I am so blessed just to have her!
I hope you all have a great week! It is good to hear from you all, I appreciate all of your emails!!! love, shawndra

soap opera

2008-06-06T09:22:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- How are you all doing? Thank you for all your emails this past week, I appreciate hearing from you all! It seems like my life has become a soap opera. It is always something! This week I had some family stuff going on, then I had a kidney scan on Tuesday. I got a call from the nurse saying they got the results and the doctor wanted to see me next Monday. I found out that the results showed decreased kidney function on my left side and hydronephrosis (fluid around my kidney) on my right side. I am not sure what treatment this will entail so I am a bit nervous but not trying to dwell on it until we meet with the doctor to find out what he recommends. Wednesday my sister and I drove down to Wichita together for our cousin's funeral. It was a celebration of a great life and a great person! It is always nice to see the family too but not necessarily under those circumstances. I continue to pray for the family who continues to grieve this unexpected loss. I love you all and am here for you if you need anything!!! That was a very long day with all the traveling so Thursday I spent pretty much the whole day in bed recovering. That is kind of how things work, after a big event that takes a lot of energy, it wears me out and I am pretty much worthless the next day.
Today, Ella and I are playing and taking it easy. I figure, she plays so hard at daycare, she needs a little down time. So we are still in our pajamas playing. I am trying to get her to put her clothes on so we can go outside to play but she is being stubborn and not wanting to put her clothes on right now. Oh well.
We have a busy weekend ahead. We are going to an awards ceremony on Saturday where Doug's grandfather is being honored with a lifetime award for his teaching and Nanie will be accepting it in his honor! We will also get to spend some time with Doug's Aunt and Uncle and hopefully cousin who we enjoy very much. I hope you all enjoy your weekend! Be safe, it seems like so many accidents of all kinds happen in the summer so please be safe! Next week is chemo week, starting on Tuesday, weeee! ha. I am getting close to being finished with my 3 rounds that Dr. Foster recommended. Who knows what will happen from there, depends on my CEA level and scans. Will it ever end? Enjoy life this weekend. talk to you soon. shawndra

Emotional Week

2008-05-30T16:20:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone- My computer was on the fritz yesterday so I haven't been able to check my email or write. I had my 3rd round of chemo this week. I also met with my oncologist before I started the chemo. I got a bit emotional in his office and then the floodworks started and I couldn't shut them off for a while! He didn't tell me anything bad, necessarily, he just asked me how I was doing... I told him I am tired a lot and I am just tired of being tired. I started taking Ritalin which he prescribed to try and help with the fatigue. I just feel so guilty about being tired all the time, people having to help me all the time, people always bringing us meals, etc. I am so very appreciative of everything people have done, but I just feel so guilty and tired of not being able to do everything on my own. He also asked if I was just sick of everything, I said yes!!! I am tired of this! My CEA has been creaping up a bit, a couple weeks ago, I guess they did draw it and didn't tell me... it was 4.7 or something like that, then this week they drew it again and it was 6.1. I am not going to panic yet, but if it continues to go up, that will make me very nervous. I am, as he says, tired of this. I start to question am I fighting something that I can't win! Is it worth the fight? My prognosis is very poor, it has been from the beginning. I have tried to think, I can beat this and I continue to think that way. But I have to ask, is this something I can beat or am I just fighting a losing battle! The rest of the week has gone well, I rested a lot! Doug was gone for a few days this week too which was difficult. He has never really gone away for a few days like this time and I miss him tremendously!
My family on my dad's side has also had a tremendous loss this week. We lost one of my cousin's (my dad's sister's son) very unexpectedly! I have been praying so hard this week that things would turn around for him and he would fully recover but he did not! The only good from this is that he was an organ donor and hopefully saved others lives. But he will be missed!
On a happier note, Ella is growing leaps and bounds! She is talking so much lately, full sentences!! She says the funniest things, I can't help but laugh.
Tonight, I am going out with the girls for the Sex and the City premiere!! It will be so much fun. I am getting dressed up and we will have some Cosmo's in honor of the show and go to dinner then the movie. I am so looking forward to this! It should be a great time. Hopefully by the time I get home, Doug will be back home. I can't wait to see him! I hope you all have a great weekend! I am so sorry I haven't written much lately, but I would love to hear from all of you! I miss my support system, I miss hearing from you all and how you all are doing? I hope you all who are also battling cancer right now are doing well and fighting hard! Naomi from GA (I think)- I hope they have found out what is going on with you and are able to take care of it! You all are always in my prayers! Thank you for being there for me, I hope i can be there for you too! shawndra

Research and Remember

2008-05-22T22:32:00.005-05:00

Hey everyone- Well, I don't have too much to report as far as results. My initial PET results sound like everything is about the same as before. I just got that result from the nurse over the phone. I haven't actually seen the report or talked to the doctor about it yet. I will see him next Tuesday before chemo and discuss it then. but it sounds like there is really no change, some suspicious area in the pelvis and nothing else really lights up, except the gallbladder area, which was removed in surgery, so this is probably from post operative changes. As far as the CEA, blood work, they didn't end up drawing it. They said it wasn't ordered, even though it was on my schedule to be drawn. So, I will have them do it next week before chemo. So, this really isn't very exciting or informative news. I guess though that no news is good news, atleast there is nothing new showing up so that in itself is good news.

On another note, I was asked by a faithful blogger named Michelle if she could honor me while running the New York Marathon for cancer research. I agreed with only having to give my name and a few signatures in order to do this, nothing else on my part. She will do the hard part of training and running the marathon and raising the funds (which I have done before and is no easy task). She needs to raise atleast 3,000 dollars, but it is going towards Colon cancer research in my honor. Doug helped by putting a logo/link (see Fred), on the left hand side, under our picture. You can go check out her webpage and get more information and donate as well. This is the least I can do for her, is to tell you all about it and try to help raise the funds. I have heard several reports that researchers are making incredible strides in finding a cure for all cancers. Specifically colon cancer research has come a very long way in the last several years. If I was diagnosed only 5 years prior, I would not have the chemo drugs I am using today which have been found to prolong life if not save lives. I probably would not be here today if that were the case! Researchers continue to look for better treatment with fewer side effects and they are succeeding but still need help. Please consider donating to the cause. It is completely anonymous so I won't know who has given or who has not. I know a lot of people can't afford to give and that is okay. But Michelle, by doing this, you are saving so many lives and I am in aw of you for doing it! A marathon in itself is a tremendous feat but to honor me, someone you've never even met, and raise all that money....you are an angel!
Everyone have a terrific Memorial Day weekend!!! I hope you all get to spend time outside in the beautiful weather, rain or shine, and are able to spend some time with people you love or doing something you love and smiling! Also spend a little time remembering those soldiers who have passed while in military service -- memorial day. We shall never forget those who have passed, even though our memory begins to fade, our love never does. Shawndra

tests

2008-05-20T09:37:00.002-05:00

Lots of stuff going on today. I am getting ready to go have a PET/CT done, then I go have labwork, which will consist today of a CEA. I pray that the CEA level is still normal/low and that my scan shows nothing but improvement. I also go to see my primary care physician today about my blood pressure. So it is a busy day for doctors appointments. I will let you all know how things come out. Please keep up the prayers, let 's hope I get good results!!! Then maybe I can get off chemo soon. Yaaaa. thank you my prayer warriors, shawndra

High blood pressure

2008-05-16T13:19:00.002-05:00

Hey Everyone- I am done with my second round of chemo. It went well, just tired is all. I spent most of Wednesday in bed, I never did get out of my pajamas. I forgot to tell you and Sue reminded me about my most recent scan. It basically was about the same, nothing exciting to report. I don't know if that is good or bad but my oncologist said there wasn't anything to report. I have a scheduled PET/CT scan coming up I believe this Tuesday, May 20th. So I maybe this scan will show more improvement or something.
The other thing that has been going on is I've noticed my blood pressure has been rather high since I started chemo again. I thought maybe the first week I was just nervous but it has been high ever since and yesterday when I went to get my pump off, it was super high for me 163/101. Yikes. The nurse practitioner talked to the doctor and they gave me a prescription for high blood pressure medication. But what really upset me was they didn't even mention trying to figure out why my blood pressure might be that high. They just threw the script at me and said, well we don't know why it is that high. I thought, and told them, well maybe we should draw some blood to see if anything is abnormal. SO they did, only because I told them too. Maybe there isn't a reason it has all of a sudden shot up but then maybe there is a reason and I would like to find that reason, if there is one, ya know. I was a bit frustrated by the whole situation and a bit upset that they just kind of blew it off! I will be following up with my primary care doctor when she gets back in town next week, so we can try to figure out if something is causing this.
I have been meaning to mention something else. I know some of you found my site through Jennifer Ireland's website which has not to long ago been quiet since Chris is no longer blogging. I keep in touch with Jen's mother, Jan, who misses the website tremendously, the support she got from it. I think she said she has blogged atleast once about the girls. So you might check the site from time to time. Also one of her doctors is blogging on the foundation site, I believe. So you might go and check that out as well. We can still support the foundation which is trying to raise money for young adults like me who need some help financially from time to time for extra expenses from cancer. They have many activities set up, a golf tournament and pub crawl in St. Louis, etc. The website will tell you more about all that, so please don't forget about that site! Jan still checks the site regularly so I think you can send her comments through there or you can through here as well, she says she checks my site regularly too! Recently her father is going through chemotherapy so she has had one thing after another going on in her life. She continues to need support!
well, I think that is all for now, there is so much I had been meaning to write about so I am glad I have. I need to go, Ella is trying to touch buttons on the computer and almost just erased this whole message a minute ago. I will try to write soon. Everyone have a great weekend. I am pump free and am going to enjoy the weather. Shawndra

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T21:37:00.003-05:00

Happy Mother's day to all you mom's out there! I hope you had a great day, smiled and were proud that you are a mom. I am. Here is a poem I just received and had to send it on to you all....

MOTHERS and MOMS

This is for the mothers who have sat up
all night with sick toddlers in their arms,
wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer
wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying,
'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at
work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains
on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and
make cookies and sew Halloween costumes.
And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to
babies they'll never see. And the mothers
who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art
collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars.
And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with
their children and explained all about making
babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who
wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go
hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight,
Moon' twice a night for a year. And then
read it again, 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught
their children to tie their shoelaces before
they started school. And for all the mothers
who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons
to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their
own offspring are at home -- or even away
at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids
to school with stomach aches, assuring them
they'd be just FINE once they got there, only
to get calls from the school nurse an hour later
asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone
astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they
bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of
recent school shootings, and the mothers
of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their
children to be peaceful, and now pray
they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and
sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?
Is it the ache she feels when she
watches her son or daughter disappear
down the street, walking to school alone
for the very first time?

The jolt that takes her from sleep to
dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put
her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again
at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear
their key in the door and know they
are safe again in her home?

Or the need to flee from wherever she is
and hug her child when she hears news
of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are
universal and so our thoughts are for
young mothers stumbling through diaper
changes and sleep deprivation...

And for mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us...

Hang in there. In the end we can
only do the best we can. Tell them
every day that we love them. And pray
and never stop being a mother...

'Home is what catches you when
you fall - and we all fall.'

Please pass this to a
wonderful mother you know.

(I just did!)

love, shawndra

Happy Nurses Week

2008-05-06T16:17:00.002-05:00

Wow, we must be special to get a whole week, ha. My mother just reminded me that it was nurses week by bringing over flowers and a card to me. It couldn't have come at on a more perfect day. I have been .... what's the word... struggling lately with my new identity as a stay at home mom. Let me start off by saying this is one of the toughest jobs there is and it is highly respected! I don't mean to offend anyone out there this is just my personal story. I went to school for sooo many years to become a nurse practitioner, worked so hard and prided myself on being a working woman. After I had Ella, I had the best of both worlds! I could work part time and be home with Ella. It was the perfect mixture of work and being a mom and a wife. Since I was diagnosed, I tried to continue to work but with the unknown I decided I couldn't give my full commitment to my job and quit working. There are some perks to this too! I get to spend more time with Ella, I don't have to get up every morning at 6-6:30 shower and get dressed up, etc. But I feel like I have lost that part of me and I am no longer Shawndra the nurse or nurse practitioner, which was a large part of who I was. This along with the many changes that have taken place in the last two years. It really has struck me hard as I repeat the same tasks over and over. These past few days I have gotten so sick of the laundry basket half full the day after I just did laundry or the dishwasher full again and the dishes piling up beside the sink waiting for the dishwasher to be unloaded just to be reloaded again. This reminds me of a movie I saw with Cher in it many years ago... Witches of Eastwick, that was it! Does anyone remember that movie? Anyway, I know the grass is greener on the other side and I can't complain about my life. I do have a great life and am lucky that I am able to take this time off of work. THere are many people out there fighting cancer and working and many other things. I feel like a wuss when I think about that but I am just telling you how I feel. That is the point of this blog, to get things off my chest, good and bad. Freedom of speech, right, ahhh. It all makes mothers day even more special and meaningful. I used to think, this is just another day for hallmark to rack in the bucks. But mothers really need a day to be noticed and applauded. Just as nurses do as well. So does every profession. sorry Andrea, Physical therapist's don't have there day yet. We will come up with one!!!!
Thank you Nurses for all you do. You are truly important and vital. We deserve so much more than we get in pay, we should be up there with athletes, for who is more important, someone saving lives or throwing a ball. Don't get me started on that one! If you know a nurse let them know how much the mean! That is what makes our job worth while. The reward of our patients and families who need us in a time of difficulty and can trust us to be there for them. What a great profession I chose, someday I will be back to help others again. Right now I have to focus on myself and nursing myself back to health so I can take care of others! Another reason to fight! Happy Nurses day! Shawndra

Feeling Good

2008-04-30T11:05:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- Well round one (again) went pretty well. I got a little nausea yesterday while I was at the cancer center, they got that under control right away and I have been doing good. I even had some energy last night and didn't feel helpless. I was up and around and doing pretty much everything I normally do.
I am getting ready to go have lunch with DOug for his birthday. Gotta celebrate as much as possible.
Oh, it worked! last night I told Ella if she didn't stay in her bed, I would shut the door and it would lock. She got out of bed, I stuck to my guns and shut the door. She cried for a little while but then settled back down and went to bed. When we went to check on her she was fast asleep in her bed! ahhhhh. Let's hope it gets easier each night.
Tomorrow I get my chemo pump off, ya! Then I will have a week and a half off until the next round. But I am (knock on wood) hoping to do 2 cycles or only 4 rounds of chemo, so one down atleast 3 to go! I pray that I will only have to do 2 cycles and my scans and CEA will continue to look good and I can get off chemo for atleast now if not FOREVER!!!! Thank you prayer warriors, the prayers are definitely working! I was given two years to live with this disease, in September I will surpass that prediction and continue to live, live, live. I hope to be the ripe young age of 95 like my grandma, well maybe... careful what you wish for, right! hehe.
Talk to you all soon. Shawndra

Happy Birthday once again, Doug!

Happy Birthday Doug

2008-04-28T20:11:00.003-05:00

Doug's birthday is this coming Wednesday, so Happy Birthday Baby! I love you so much. It may not be an eventful day, unfortunately but we will try to make up for that on the weekend!
Hey everyone- I had my CT scan this morning, don't know any results yet but it made me sick. I pucked afterwards, ugh. It has always made me nauseous but never sick before. I am better now though and start up chemo tomorrow, again.
On another note, well, I just locked Ella's door, after she asked me too. Now she is crying. I told her she wouldn't like it if I locked the door. Now I just have to stay strong, I guess. So hard.
The lakehouse is thankfully still standing, there is some damage in a couple of bedrooms so there will be some significant restoration needed, but it could have been a whole lot worse. So we are upset but thankful at the same time.
That is what is happening in my world at the moment. I am a bit anxious for restarting chemo. I hope I don't have the agitation and extreme fatigue as I did last time. I also pray that the scan results are good and that when they redraw my CEA level that it continues to be normal.
Thank you all for you continued support along this journey. I truly hope to be able to say one day that I am cancer free. Even though they said it wasn't possible, sometimes the impossible can happen, right.
It might be a few days until I write. If I am not feeling well, I may not get on until I feel better and up to it. Take care everyone. shawndra

PS. Doug is the sucker this time! He just went in to Ella's room to console her.

lakehouse fire

2008-04-24T10:54:00.003-05:00

I think my family is cursed. Last night, my parents lakehouse got struck by lightening and was on fire. Thankfully nobody was there. Apparently it struck the toilet in the room we consider Doug and my room so thankfully none of us were sitting on the toilet at that time! The wonderful firefighters did get the fire out with the fire damaging only our bedroom and another room upstairs. They did have to punch holes in the ceiling of all the other rooms upstairs to make sure there was no other hot spots. So the rest of the house was spared, we think... but it still is quite a bit of damage. My parents are being positive and even though upset they are thankful everyone is okay and that the house didn't burn to the ground. They just built this house a year and a half or so ago, so this house is fairly new. Doug and I were ready to go out there last night and see if we could help move furniture, clean, etc. But my parents didn't think there was much we could have done last night. They want the insurance company to see the damage before things are cleaned up. Thankfully it didn't burn to the ground. The firefighters said, if it weren't for the insulation in the house, it would have. Just another event in my families life, as I said before...I believe we have been cursed these past two years. We weren't this eventful before.
On another note, I want to thank my anonymous neighbor for dropping off the childproof door locks this morning! That was very kind of you. I would someday love to meet you in person. It is so mysterious, the anonymous neighbor, hehe. I also should thank the person who awhile ago put angels and I believe Saint Mary on our doorstep. I never thanked the anonymous person who did that, so I need to thank them for those angels watching over our house.
Ella is in daycare today so I am actually going to get out and go get a pedicure with a friend and then have lunch with a few friends. This will be quite a treat for me! It is so nice to be getting out a bit more with the nicer weather and all. I have also enjoyed having the windows open in the house and sleeping with them open and the fan on.. isn't that one of the best things. I just love that feeling!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what is going on here. I would love to hear from you all and what you are doing, enjoying, struggling with (if you want to share, you don't have to). I just feel like it is all about me, me,me all the time and I get tired of that. I know kind of weird since it is my blog. Oh well. Enjoy the day! The sun is coming out here after the rainy weather the last day or so. ahhhhh. When you here from me again, I will finally have pretty toes once again, hehe. Shawndra

chemo postponed

2008-04-23T10:39:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone- Well I am back from Omaha. It went well, I got my filter out with a little sedation and I mean a little. Usually they sedate me and I am out for awhile. This time, I rememeber most of the procedure, ick. It didn't hurt though, just felt some pressure around my neck, where they make the incision and thread the catheter or whatever it is down to grab the filter out.
I then saw Dr. Foster who was very pleased with my progress. He was impressed with the NORMAL CEA, he said, and even said I could be considered in remission. Even though that is to be taken lightly, we still don't know what is left in my pelvis area and he does have some concerns that would be where the cancer might show up again when and if it comes back, which it usually does. REmember this is supposed to be an aggressive cancer. That isn't to say though that sometimes it doesn't act like other cases, so we won't go by what happens to everyone else.
He did want me to get a CT before I started chemo again, and did recommend I do chemo for atleast 2-3 more cycles, which would be 2-3 more months. So I cancelled my chemo this week so I could get a CT before, so now it is all rescheduled to next week. Monday CT scan, Tuesday chemo. I still am not ready for chemo, I probably never will be, so I was kind of glad I didn't have it yesterday. I got to rest from my trip to Omaha most of the day which was nice. I want to thank my mom for going to Omaha with me. I am so blessed with the best mother in the world. She would do anything for Andrea and I and does do so much. She drops everything to help us out. I can't ask for a better mother! Even though I know some other really great ones, a lot of really great ones out there!!!
Ella is with me today. I have gotten some great advise about her sleeping I just need to go get one of those lock things. Unfortunately she doesn't have a lock at all on her door so I can't just turn it around. I will try one of those white locks. Ella and I have been hanging out together today, she is anxious to get outside and swing. Mommy is waiting for it to get a bit warmer before we head out. I have had a bit more energy lately which is great. I can't stand not having energy. Oh, I have also weaned myself off of my long acting pain medication and only take my short acting maybe once or twice a day as needed. I am not having the back pain as I was having prior to surgery. I think this surgery was a god sent!
I hope you all are doing well. I keep all my support system in my prayers, I hope you all are safe, happy and healthy! Not much else going on this week, just regular life, errands, etc. Thank you neighbors for all the food you are providing, that truly has been wonderful for DOug and I. I cooked once last week and it drained me completely. So we appreciate all of you so much. THank you Jenny for getting it all planned for us! Again, as I have said so much, we have incredible neighbors! Everyone have a great rest of the week. Enjoy the weather. I will talk to you all soon. Shawndra

Terrible Two's

2008-04-18T13:05:00.004-05:00

Well Ella has definitely hit the terrible two's. She is really challenging us these days. She doesn't want to nap or go to bed and is not phased by the notty spot or taking away her prized possessions, or anything we throw at her (not literally). It can be really frustrating. How do you discipline a child who isn't bothered by these things?
I have some great news, I finally found out that my CEA level from a week or so ago was 2.7 which is very close if not in the normal range, depending on who you ask. This is incredible news, I can't wait to tell Dr. Foster when I go back up on monday and see what he has to say. I also want to recheck with Dr. McKittrick, to see if I still need to do chemo right away. Probably so, but I can still have wishful thinking! That doesn't necessarily mean I am out of the clear or in remission, the CEA doesn't tell us everything but that is still great that it is that low!!!! WEEEEEE. Thank you all for the prayers, please keep them coming, they seem to be working!!
It is once again a dreary day here. It was nice for a couple of days and now it is cloudy, rain yesterday and cold today. Ugh. No outside activities for us today. I am trying to get Ella down for a nap. I actually held the door shut for awhile, she is now in her room talking, but of course not sleeping. She gave up on the door. Is that too cruel? I felt a bit guilty but I don't know how else to keep her in her room for some down time. I know she is tired, she even told me this morning, she's been tired. Anyway, everything else is pretty good here. Doug is going to take his Nani back to her hometown where she is going to move into an apartment. I know this has to be very difficult going home without your husband. Especially after that many years but I know she will adjust in time and do well on her own! So Doug will be helping out with the move this weekend and I will be here with Ella so she can go to my nephew, Keaton's birthday party saturday. Then my mom and I leave for Omaha sometime Sunday because it will be an earllllly morning Monday for us, I have to be at the hospital early for my filter to come out. Oh, to answer one of the questions... a filter is a little umbrella like device they placed in vena cava to prevent clots from going to my heart and my lungs while i had surgery since I was off my blood thinner for surgery. They will take this out and I will again get back on my Coumadin which I will probably be on the rest of my life.
I hope everyone has a great weekend! I will let you know how things go Monday after I talk to Dr. Foster and get back to KC. Just in time to start chemo on Tuesday. What a week it will be.
I feel as if there was another question someone had for me that I have meant to answer but I can't think of it right now. Oh, it was a comment one of my neighbors sent. Thank you for emailing me, even if you haven't met me I still appreciate your thoughts and concern. You don't have to worry about what to say around me, anything is fine. I know everyone means well and really can't say much wrong. I would love to meet more of you out there, so please if you do pass by me, I would love it if you say hi.
That is all... I hope I haven't lost a lot of you from reading since I haven't been as committed to blogging lately. I finally got through all my emails from the time of surgery and thank you all for all your wonderful well wishes and comments. I am healing very well and hope to be impress Dr. Foster by how well I have done. Things haven't been to exciting lately, I know but please hang in there with me! I continue to need all your support and you have mine if you ever need it! You can always email me personally and chat. Live, laugh, love, shawndra
PS. Ella just came out of her room (no nap yet) and now has pantyhose on... how hilarious. She took her pants off and put on pantyhose while she was in her room. Oh, ya gotta love her! I just wish she wasn't so difficult these days.

Energy

2008-04-15T10:31:00.002-05:00

Hey Everyone- How are you all doing? I hope you are getting ready for some nicer weather here in KC, finally!! I am ready, bring it on! I had my doctor's appointment last week, it went well. He was just asking about the surgery, what they did, etc. He didn't have any details about the surgery yet. So we gave him the scoop and discussed getting back on chemo, which will start next week. It will be a busy week next week. Monday I go to Omaha to get my filter taken out under sedation and then see Dr. Foster for a follow up appointment. Then tuesday I will start up chemo again, which I am Really dreading! I am so tired of having no energy and trying to function with no energy. It is sooooo hard! I had that yesterday morning and Sunday afternoon. My body just didn't want to move I had so little energy. I finally got a second wind yesterday afternoon which was so nice. I could actually do a few things without it being painfully difficult. Especially with an energy packed two year old running around the house, oh my is that difficult! I talked to my mom yesterday and just broke down crying, thinking I can't do this!
The positive side is I really don't have much pain anymore. I am working on weaning myself off my pain medication which is great! I am so glad about that.
I haven't gotten results back yet from my labs. I just called the cancer center to find out about my protime (for my coumadin, blood clots) and also my CEA tumor marker. It still may not be great, because of the surgery, we will see.
I am sorry I haven't been writing as much, I really haven't been on the computer very much lately, again, the energy thing. Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. I hope this weather helps boost my energy a bit! Have a great week and enjoy the nicer weather while we have it! love, shawndra

We won, we won!!!!

2008-04-10T09:59:00.002-05:00

Oh my gosh, that was the most incredible game to be at! Thank you to Vidya Sharma for pushing me to go! I am so glad I did! I was a bit tired yesterday and on the way home was a bit tiring, but so worth it! It was so refreshing to be in warmer weather, it just felt so good and does a body good! I lasted all night too, how could I get tired with a game like that. We did start to get pretty quiet when we were down 9 points but thank god KU turned it up and got us back on our feet!
I have a doctors appointment today with my oncologist. So I will probably be heading back to chemo soon, ugh! I am completely dreading it and truly don't want to go back but what choice do I have. I guess I have the choice to not go back, but that isn't fair to my family! Especially after receiving this amazing gift of a wonderful surgery that got about 90% of the cancer out. I can't let things go now. I just hate feeling tired and useless on those chemo weeks. Maybe I won't feel that way this time. Positive thinking!
Ella is as energetic as always! Just all over the place, constantly wanting to go outside and play. even when it is cold, like yesterday. Thank you to Angie who is so helpful when i am exhausted, she helps me out with Ella. Ella loves her, so it isn't hard, she automatically goes to her some of the time. We are still struggling with her bedtime, getting out of bed several times. I want to put that "door" back on as she calls it. Last night though, she actually fell asleep in my arms, which I love! She wanted to rock more, I caved in and agreed and then she fell asleep. Another memory and moment to cherish.
Well, I will let you know what I find out from my doctors appointment. I have to go back up to Omaha on the 21st to get my filter removed and see Dr. Foster again. Then I will hopefully have complete clearance. Even though I feel like I have clearance now for most everything.
Everyone have a great week, I guess it will be the weekend here soon. I heard it could snow, yikes. Let's hope that is it and the weather starts turning warm from there on out! I need to start going for walks and getting some exercise and Vitamin D, from the SUN!!!! Talk to you all soon. shawndra

The Big Dance

2008-04-07T08:52:00.002-05:00

Well- I guess I am heading out today to go to San Antonio for the final game tonight. It is crazy I know. One of our family friends kept calling yesterday checking on me to see if I was alright and then talking about how she was going to find a way down there. I thought she was kidding at first but she was totally serious. So she is going to fly with me down there today and my mom and dad and her family will be there to pick us up. again, it is crazy! I hesitated a lot since I have barely made it to the grocery store without getting tired. But maybe this is what i need to get myself up and at 'em. It should be fun! I am very excited.
We had a good weekend, watched the game saturday night with my sister and her family and another couple! We spent a lot of time outside yesterday playing on the swingset. Ella loves to swing! SHe could do that all day long. I just wish she could do it on her own so I don't have to push her all day. I could just sit in a chair and watch her and enjoy the outdoors. It will come sometime I am sure. anyway, I am feeling pretty good, no pain, which is great!!! I did get sick again yesterday out of the blue, very strange, but just once, so no big deal! I hope you all are doing well. I am so glad it is atleast sunny right now, that helps as the sun beats in as I type. I have to get in the shower though and our bathroom is always cold. I turned a space heater on in there so I am waiting for it to get warm! NOw you know all my habits. I will let you all know how the final game in San Antonio goes. Cheer on KU!!!! I hope I am not a jinx. have a great monday. shawndra

Stomach Flu

2008-04-02T09:05:00.002-06:00

Ewwwww, yes, I have been down with the stomach flu. That is why I haven't written in a few days. It started with a pounding headache on Sunday afternoon, right before the KU game. I just curled up to watch the game and I started not to feel so good to my stomach. Eventually the vomiting started and pretty much continued all through the night. I was basically just dry heaving the rest of the night. IT was miserable. Doug was up with me every time, standing at attention as I hurled into the bucket just waiting to take the bucket, clean it up and bring it back to me! What a husband!!! He is truly amazing. You all don't even realize all he does. He is always picking up my slack. and that is a lot of slack! It just seems to be one thing after another for me I just wish this bad dream would go away. So I have been hibernating again in the house, which it really hasn't been all that nice out yet that I can tell. So I don't know that I really want to get out anyway until it is a bit warmer! I am tired of cold, my body just can't handle it anymore!
I am on the mend but still not 100%, getting there though! I am working on eating little bits frequently so my stomach doesn't get overloaded. It won't allow much anyway, I think my stomach has shrunk quite a bit! Anyway, that is what I have been up to.
I was bummed because I turned down the opportunity to go to the final four. Doug and I both did. This is something we have done together in the past and love but unfortunately Doug doesn't want to take anymore work off than he has to and I don't think I really have the energy to go. I would love to be in San Antonio though this weekend!!! Ugh.
Well I hope you all are doing well, staying healthy and happy. Talk to you all soon. Shawndra

Healing

2008-03-28T14:38:00.005-06:00

Hey everyone- It has been a short week but a long week, if that makes any sense at all. Ella got sick I believe on Tuesday and stayed home Wednesday. I think having her around the extra day right now wore me out! My mom was with me and helped but I still was so tired on Thursday. I literally was in bed from when Ella left for daycare around 8am until 4pm in time to go get her from daycare. I slept all day long! I should enjoy those days, but I don't really. I feel lazy and nonproductive and hermitish. I was supposed to go to a lunch to celebrate Brandi's birthday but I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go. I am so sorry Brandi! Today I got up and finally got cleaned up and out of the house a bit. I think I really get lonely when I am home by myself. IT is really nice to have Angie around for company but she is so busy these days that I don't have anyone around on the days Ella goes to daycare. I could keep her home, but then I would get no rest!
Ella has been very fussy lately, it is driving me crazy. I don't know if it is just because she isn't feeling good or a phase in her life or what but I am a bit worried about her attitude and being the only child. I can't imagine having another child at this point but I do worry about her being an only child. There are good and bad to both, I know!
Doug and I ended up flipping to Supernanny the other night to see how Ella compared.. we were happy that she wasn't to that point, but I think now I worry that she will end up running the show after awhile. She is so manipulative, they just repeat things until they get there way. Now that she is in her big girl bed(we did that so I could help get her in and out), she is finding ways to not go to bed and arriving at my bed early in the morning. The other morning it was 5:45am and she was hungry, because she didn't eat dinner. I was trying to hold my ground but then Doug got frustrated with the noise and took her down to eat. Ugh. What a challenge!
Oh, I am doing well, the pleurisy pain is much better, if not gone. Thank you Sue for your wisdom, I do believe that is what I had. It sounds like it! I am sorry you deal with that a lot, it is painful! So I am still on the mend and doing fairly well. Not much of an appetite still but otherwise doing good!
KU Jayhawks play tonight, lets hope they blow Villanova away!!!! I don't want it to be too close of a game to worry me all night!
I hope you all are doing well! We finally have a bit of sunshine today. I was not liking the dreary last few days! Have a great weekend everyone! I will write more next week. I will start having more doctors appointments and stuff in a couple weeks and then restarting chemo. It is a bit frustrating that I am not done. I am a bit tired of fighting, ya know. I want my life back, ugh!!!! I will never have "my life back". This is my life now. Ugh, I need a vacation! Talk to you all soon, shawndra

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T10:10:00.002-06:00

Hello Everyone- I am so sorry it has been so long since I posted. I left Omaha after much testing to try to figure out my fevers on Tuesday. Everything came back negative so we got the green light to go home. I have been settling back in at home. IT is good to be home, but I have been having problems with shortness of breathe because of a sharp pain in my right side/lung area. I went to the ER yesterday, said, again, everything is negative. Ugh. I am glad it is nothing, but I wish we could figure out why I have these symptoms, ya know. THey think it is pleurisy, basically where the lining of the lungs rubs together, something you just have to deal with and treat the pain. The pain is mostly when I lie down, so I was a bit scared to go to sleep last night. I stayed up watching basketball longer than I normally would have. I propped myself up last night with pillows and must of slept in that position all night. I tried to get up this morning when Ella cried out but the pain was so bad Doug had to go for me and then I spent the majority of the morning in the same position, not moving!! Even missing church. Frustrating, now that I am home I am glad for all the success but frustrated that the rest continues, it's not over, ya know. Even though I knew it wouldn't be over. My mind is tired of dealin with all this.
By the way, Naomi, I did get you flowers, I am sorry I made you wait this long to ease your mind about that. I even checked the front desk Tuesday before I left, they said if they would have received flowers after I was discharged, they would have got sent back to the flower shop. So, I thank you all for all the things, flowers, snacks, gifts for Ella, for me, etc. that you all have given us. We are appreciative but really it isn't necessary! We just appreciate your prayers and support, that is all we need!
Ella slept in her daybed for the first time last night. Her bed converts from a crib to a daybed to a double bed. So we made it into the daybed, so that maybe I could be more help since i can't lift her out of the crib right now. SHe was so tired it didn't matter last night but she did wake up crying this morning, I am not sure if she fell out of bed or what but she was a bit scared. She seems okay with it today though.
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter celebration! I will try to be better at blogging from here on out. I spent a lot of last week resting so hopefully I will be up and at em more. Gotta go Ella is not following the rules. I have to follow through with my discipline, she has to get off the trampoline (small inside one) since she didn't follow the rules. Mean mommy I am, hehe. Talk to you all soon. Shawndra

More with it!

2008-03-16T19:33:00.002-06:00

Hey all, it only took me about 30 seconds to get my email and password in. I am still not great at typing on the laptop,but I just read my post from yesterday and realized I still wasn't so mentally with it! I am hopefully making much more sense right now. Anyway, last night I had more fevers, and malaise (icky feeling). I still haven't had anything out of my ostomy. So I did call the Dr on call. He finally responded this afternoon and wasn't too concerned about the output but more the higher fevers. He still didn't seem too concerned and just wants me to go in tomorrow morning and get I believe a urine culture. I believe there is nothing wrong with my urine, but whatever. I would believe one of the bloggers more, Lisa is it, who said it could be an ileus. But we will see. I feel better today. We did quite a bit this morning with Ella. It was so good to play with her. She is such a sweetheart. Doug finally got back around 11am from the funeral and activities the last few days. He said it was a great celebration of life, I only wish I could have been there to celebrate with Doug and be there for him!
Ella was so excited to see Doug, they got to play a short time before my parents headed back to KC with her. We headed out to grab lunch after they left and then I had enough for the day. So we headed back to the hotel room for rest, tv, etc. I feel good except when my bowels try to move and I get a horrible cramping feeling until the gas. I know this is just what you want to hear about, but you pretty much know everything about me anyway, right?
Oh, i did want to clarify the Diet Coke thing. I am not a diet coke fiend. That was the first thing I saw sittin on one of the nurses desks when I believe I was leaving the ICU. SO anything sounded good! I think I still had the NG in sound hadn't had anything but ice chips. I did have a diet coke when I got to the hotel but it doesn't feel very food going down with all the bubbles so I have only had one sparingly to get something besides water and then I am done!
Thank you all for your tremendous comments. I have worked on catching up with all the emails. I started with 540ish and now am at 450ish. So I will continue to plug away tomorrow. I appreciate them all though! I am going to head to the bed and watch some tv alittle while longer while getting to snuggle with my husband and fall asleep. That is one of my favorite things to do. Thank You Palmer family for having doug over for dinner last night, he greatly appreciated the company and the great meal! We can't wait to get home and see all the neighbors, friends and family in KC!! Hopefully this will be after our Tuesdat visit with Dr. Foster as long as everything goes well. Love always, good night, shawndra

Saturday

2008-03-15T17:08:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone- It just took me about 2 minutes to put my password and computer in, my brain is much, and it isn't due to pain medication!!!!! Ugh. I got out of the hospital, let see,you all probably know better than I do. Thursday, since then I have been hanging out in the hotel. I haven't had much to eat, I haven't been very hungry. This morning I woke up very early feel sick, just with malaise or the best way to describe it is icky. I was running a temperature, so I have been icky feeling off and on all day and running a temp off and on. I haven't had much bowel moving either. So we are a little concerned, but still hesitate to call the person on call. I will see how I do over night and maybe call tomorrow if I still feel icky. Doug will return from his grandfather's funeral tomorrow. It has been wonderful to be around Ella. Even though all I can do is lay around, she always calls my name when she wakes up and wants to snuggle and that feels good,
I am so thankful for my parents who have been here almost the whole time.
The one problem I have had is remembering what they told me at discharge, when I can take dressings off, etc. THey tell you everything when you were all drugged up and then the less medical people don't catch on so later, we are like, hmmmm I don't remember.
Not much else to tell, we are just in the lobby, getting out of the room. I gotta go, Ella is wanting go back to the room "by her self!", so I will write soon and hopefully catch up on some of the responses too! thanks to all the faithful follower, so far so good. shawndra

Hopefully, Doug's Last Post ;-)

2008-03-12T20:10:00.003-06:00

Hello faithful readers. Shawndra had planned on catching up on the BLOG posts and comments tonight, and writing the next post, but sleepiness caught up to her tonight, so I'll jot a few comments about her progress over the last two days.

It's been an eventful day! Shawndra went from drinking clear liquids this morning, to eating a muffin and fruit this evening. The morphine pain delivery pump was removed tonight as well. She's back to taking (orally) Oxycodone and Oxycontin to control pain. Those of you in the health field will be proud of me... I've been doing a little "charting" myself this afternoon, by writing her Oxy* dosages on the whiteboard hanging in the hospital room. Mainly because she's been acting kind of loopy tonight; talking in her sleep, waking up and commenting about things out of the blue. Nurse Lindsay just came in with another 120mg of *contin, and Shawndra had just taken 120mg of her own supply three hours ago. Now, I'm no doctor, and never claim to be, but I'm thinking another dose like that could have turned out bad. In no way am I faulting the staff here (in fact, it's our own fault), it's just a bit of a mix-up on our part, not informing the staff tha she took her own supply. Dr. Foster's reaction when Shawndra told him her daily Oxy* intake was funny. He said something to the effect of "that's quite a load". Tonight Shawndra is feeling no pain. That's for sure.

I don't know how you nurses work in this profession. How do you handle eight patients at one time throughout a twelve hour shift? It's ridiculous! You guys/gals should be paid more! I have a new respect for the nursing profession.

Now check this out... Dr. Foster says he may discharge Shawndra TOMORROW! I can hardly believe it. (For precautions, though, we'll be staying in Omaha over the weekend and the first part of next week.) Is she a tough girl or what!?

Wow, it's like our whole lives for the past few weeks have been nothing but hospital this, surgery that. Our lives are more exciting than this. And we can't wait to start having some fun again with family and friends (and our little "punks").

Good night sweetie. Hope this is the last post I ever have to write. Not because I don't enjoy doing it, but because you're so much better at it. And I miss reading all the little things you post out there to the world, that you forget to tell me. I feel like I'm missing out on surprises. And if I may speak for the masses, everyone reading this is missing you too. LOL

- Doug

Out of ICU and Ready for a Diet Coke

2008-03-10T21:58:00.003-06:00

Hello everyone. I thought I would send out a quick update before heading back to the hotel for the night. Shawndra moved from ICU to a private room tonight. She's doing SO well! As I left her room tonight, she asked me to come back early tomorrow, so she could walk around. She's really missing drinking Diet Coke. Her goal is to have the NG tube removed ASAP! :)

Speaking of which... Ella saw Mommy today in the ICU. Now, normally this isn't something the nurses would recommend doing, especially with a 2 year old, but Shawndra was asking for her, and Ella was asking for Mommy. I did my best to explain that Mommy would have a tube in her nose, but that didn't prevent Ella from crying when we walked into the room. I know what you're thinking... bet that was traumatic.. but wait... hold those negative thoughts! About 10 minutes later, Papa Gary carried her out of the ICU (still upset). Forty-five minutes later, Ella asked to "go see Mommy". This time around, she was her cheery, lovable, self. She held Mommy's hand, and asked if she could watch "Mickey" (Mickey Mouse) on the LCD monitor (that was displaying graphs and numbers related to Shawndra's heart rate, saturation level, etc.) I'm laughing now just thinking about that moment. Elizabeth, Shawndra's nurse, also made it easier this time around too, by filling up a plastic glove with water, tying it, and handing it to Ella for her to draw a smiley face. That little glove... this afternoon, she wouldn't take a nap without it! LOL. The nursing staff in the ICU here at Creigton is TOP NOTCH. And of course, it goes without saying, the aggresive treatment options provided by the colo-cancer department here is THE best. (Thank you Jennifer Ireland for leading us to Dr. Foster and team. You have not been forgotten.)

Gary, Carolyn, and Ella will be heading back to Kansas City tomorrow. I'm going to miss Ella, but she'll be back up on Friday to see Mommy. I leave Friday for Southeast Kansas to attend activities for my, recently deceased, grandfather.

I can honestly say, this is the first time since Shawndra's diagnosis that I feel, and believe, that she's going to beat cancer. And for all that have been a part of her "healing"... thank you.

- Doug

Sunday strole down ICU lane

2008-03-09T13:06:00.007-06:00

Shawndra is improving fast. With the help of her sister, she walked the ICU hall this afternoon. This feat provided a huge mental boost. She's already talking about things she wants to do once she's back home; like enjoying spring weather at the lake. Besides having a bit of a problem producing red blood cells, Shawndra is doing remarkably well.

This morning Carolyn, Andrea, Ella and I attended Uncle Les' Sunday church service -- http://trinityomaha.com Les is a wonderful man; and such a motivational speaker. His message today about "hands" is one I think anyone would enjoy. (The audio recording can be found on the website.) Associate pastors Jerry and Dave have been there for us too, and we can't thank them enough. Ella enjoyed playing in the "Advanced Toddler" room. She shot me that great big smile of hers when I showed up at the door. I love it! She's been daddy's little girl the past few days. This morning I made her a promise that if she was a good girl today, she could pick out any toy in the store tonight to play with in the bathtub. So far so good! :) Good job Ella. I'm proud of you!

Ella has been crying for mommy off and on today. Thankfully, she's easily distracted, because it just makes my heart ache to see and hear her long for Mommy. Each time, I tell her we may see Mommy tomorrow. That she's resting and that Mommy loves Ella so much. She loves her "all the time." I hope I'm providing her enough comfort. I just want to spend as much time as I can with her now, because I may not see her much next week.

Okay, enough about me. I told myself ,when Shawndra asked me to BLOG, that I wouldn't make this about me. I'll try to tone it down a bit, and concentrate more on Shawndra.

With that said, I'm hoping, in a few days, Shawndra will be able to personally write a post, or at least dictate one (so that I may write it).

There's really not much else to report. Thanks again for the BLOG comments. Shawndra will enjoy reading them one day soon.

- Doug